Black White Stripes

2007-01-11T09:20:00.000+08:00

Extinction

Its science now, and I'm so disinterested in even paying attention. My body work isnt functioning well enough and I am fucking exhausted and pissy that I am exhausted. Tell me, I miss my friends so much. Oh what am I saying. I just miss my PL life.

Take me on a journey, I'm jaded

2007-01-09T10:54:00.000+08:00

-ihaveahotass-

OMG like finally I got my precious laptop fixed. I could just die. =(

Please like update your blog okay and stop shitting.

SELFISH!

2007-01-07T16:06:00.000+08:00

Hello, I miss you, is that okay?

Well well well, what have we here, I have since decided to reopen this fucked blog, I know, its meant for discard anytime soon anyway. My life's pretty redundant and boring, now that I have only Spider Solitaire to up my nerves everytime I cant complete a deck, nontheless, I do still manage to beat the fucking computer.

Who mentioned your day would be awesome with nothing to do at home? I am bored to my feet that even they can sing a symphony, with the simple theme of crying out for something to do. Here I am, lying on the mattress that I rudely threw on the floor, waiting and waiting.

Bang Bang.

I see, Ive missed out a new year's post. Lets refresh what happened for the first few days of 2007, I broke up with my girlfriend, and got her back and now I miss her insanely. Went for club training and it got the better of me for 2 days straight, made excuses to leave classes again, hate a very good friend over a trivial matter, she doesnt know it but whatever, and im craving for alcohol now.

Yes, I am craving for alcohol. I feel like getting myself wasted, frankly speaking, I have no idea why but I just need to get wasted.

Sex had been awesomeeeeeeeee, wow wheeee

Believe if you allow your tiny dinosaur minds to.

I had my zoo day with AbyG's family's from Myanmar, her grandad grandma aunt and mum.

Pardon me, Im just losing my spot

And I dont like you.

I wish my life was this song cause songs they never die. I could write for years and years and never have to cry I'd show you how I feel with out saying a word, I could wrap up both our hearts I know it sounds absurd.

2006-12-27T21:37:00.000+08:00

I'll be a hermit crab for the meantime.

I think about everything in my past 16 turning 17 years in 3 days time.
Ive made sacrifices that I never imagined myself to commit to.
Yet, my regret only reaches a certain extent even though I know how anything can expire, and Ive seen the damage it had done to even the most important people in my life.
To me, there is no longer a belief in the bridging of gaps here and there, and neither is there a concrete floor on which I can stand with anyone for a long time, my perceptions changed.

Im not strong enough to make change, and neither can I turn back to undo what had since been forsaken this past 9 months to the few individuals out there, Im sorry, nontheless, I am taking a break from everyone other than my loved ones.

Rain rain go away, come again another day

2006-12-25T23:08:00.000+08:00

Maybe I can fix this broken neon light

Armed with a small spoon and a freshly opened box of Kellogs Frosties, all there is left to do is push the cereal into my mouth rudely and start the munching. Not to mention, I'm left here, wanting more of my babygirl, allowing the kingsized bed to envelop my fat self, planning and thinking how important I am to my friends.

Having the slightest idea on what I am to them now, and what they are to me, I see no point in pushing the matter any further anymore.

Merry Christmas

Birthday is fast approaching in 5 days time

I'm not exactly sore and worried about not getting any more presents, because I had received more than I expected for my 17th birthday, only with the worry like a tooth ache on how to fit AbyG (I decided to use that as a short form as BabyGirl) into the possibly tight days to come on my birthday and new year's day.

I did receive another present today along with a badge "Heart Throb" Wow wheee, Im a lucky bitch to have someone like AbyG. The presents are great, I must say.

Hey baby, when we are together, doing things that we love. Every time you're near I feel like I'm in heaven, feeling high.

2006-12-24T20:07:00.000+08:00

Here's the big deal

So, I was totally oblivious to this until I'd read everyone else's blogs.

The Global Orgasm Day
22nd November

And

...

I received a SMS from my babygirl which went:
' EH when did you come over my house? '

My reply:
' Three days ago, Friday. '

Babygirl:
' OMG guess what?!! We unintentionally contributed to the Global Orgasm Day! HAHA. '

Silly girl.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-21T19:50:00.000+08:00

You took my hand, you showed me how

I took your words and I believed

So, someone hand me a shotgun and send me straight to lala land, I'm at disgust with myself bumming around with no money and just waking up only to fall back to sleep again, not to mention the loud and quick movements of little kids around the house that justs encourages you to take a quick escape from the madhouse you call home.

I am not exactly in a "whoohoo, Im so happy and excited" phase right this instant and trust me, I am clueless as to why also. Maybe it could be because of the frustrations of just having nothing to do, nothing planned, no agenda at hand that makes someone like me, petty and easily ticked off.

It would be greatly appreciated if anyone were to hand me a one day job or maybe two and only then will I be satisfied enough to feel relaxed.

The 21st of December, and my day is fast approaching, in just 9 more days. Fancy me being blue about the thought of blowing candles (if there are any) and smiling as people send me wishes, I dont know, I sense an avid dissatisfaction drawing in fast.

Lets see, I have had Early Birthday Gifts:

A new pair of shoes

(Still, I am very keen on getting a new pair of loafers on top of the two that I have at home)

I am a sucker for loafers

A new handphone

2 new soft toys
(Wow at my age, what an immature)

And just today,

A brand new remote controlled ceiling fan for my room
(Oh how much more lazy I'd be)

and
An MP3 player.

I cant think of anything else that I would want right now, the 6 gifts had costs so much but evenso, I have everything in the world with Her. The tendency to find myself in a spot, with me not knowing what I need and want is on red alert. This isnt the first time, just like KL. Nontheless, many items were bought.

Cause its all that I can do

2006-12-19T22:36:00.000+08:00

In the end, all that matters is love

An indeed astonishing holiday that ended with an unintended prolonged jam. Friday saw us taking a coach to KL.

W: OMG OMG, will I be caught as illegal immigrant?
W: My first stamp on my new passport!
W: "Wahlau, the person didnt chop on the first page, so ugly!"

These are one of the really odd remarks that just flew out of her mouth at the checkpoint, -.- that was all my mum and I had for her. HA-HA The journey was, on a whole boring yet interesting and enjoyable with ME, winning her several times in games and making her try to fill her mouth with the fullest only not to think that I will be shook open by her

W: "I need to pee, NOW! NOW NOW!"
W: "See lah! All your fault, make me try to drink as much as I can!"

You should have seen her adorable face squirming just as the bus goes on humps.

Next up we had dinner, a little shopping and checked into our amazing apartment, with three large bed rooms with splendid toilets and an a sweet kitchen with a spacious living room, I swear I could have seen her mouth drop, huh Baby?

The days flew by awfully fast with great nights in bed and not to mention, wonderful shopping again with bargains at Chinatown. Oh also, the indoor amusement park we went in where W was crying uncontrollably during the first ride.

W: "Boohooo, I'm scared I'm scared!"
W: "Lets do it again"

How was I to laugh at her when at that point in time, all I wanted to do was squeeze her in my fat arms and let her drown in my fat cellulites and give her one big smooch. Boy and I were spitting at each other and laughing non stop at how silly she was screaming and pausing to take breaths and screaming again, soon after, laughing it all off. I swear, I had to put a stopper at my arsehole, my shit was almost going to leak anytime.

Give me a bag of sweet chocolate cookies and strawberry youghurt please? For my remarkable ability to bargain at such a large cut. I saw this great belt and the dude was selling it at 75RM for just the buckle. Fuck you, that is a rip off. So I did the same and got it for just 30RM (:

Again, there were occasions, where W and I were mistaken as twins.

W got a handful of things and my oh my was her face beaming so brightly, I love you.

We camwhored the night away in our long colourful socks and soft toys, tell me I wasnt as deluded as I was.

So, that was a summary of my joyous weekend with sexfilled nights (told you! Fuck off lah) HA-HA and more and more shopping. Credits to my old man whom I forced this pose on.

I love dad.

I can see us holding hands walking on the beach our toes in the sand.
I can see us on the country side sitting in the grass laying side by side.

Yet another brand new closed chapter to the greatest story ever told.

2006-12-19T22:00:00.000+08:00

-Ihaveahotassinvades-

Su is on Medical Leave from her blog because she can't type. Something is wrong with her fingers. Here I am blogging for her while she's on the phone telling me what to blog.

This morning, we went to the family doctor and Su is seriously ill. My poor baby, I think it's because of the rain that had been on going for 24 hours.

But not really because of the rain, the doctor claims that Su is suffering from a sickness which is very serious. I don't really know what it is, it spells something like Lovesick. hmm any idea?

And also about her fingers;- it's just over exertion lah, over the past three nights. HAHA

Then the family doctor is going to prescribe a cure but it will only take effect tomorrow.

The cure- Love potion and MORE EXERTION!!!

If you think that these prescription is wrong, please feel free to contact me because I am the family doctor. =)

Okay enough from my side.

Let us listen to Su now.

Su on the phone:

...

Baby, I feel like killing all the sheeps in the world then I would be imprison, it's like killing two birds with one boulder. I would have a place to live for free and food for free too. But I'm so afriad I'll be executed and that I will miss you very much.

Are you willing to commit a crime and come break the prison for me? Then we will elope to a faraway land.

(oh I'm on hold because she is taking a toilet break. I seriously think she broke a leg instead of being lovesick. She's so lame she needs a wheelchair. Anyway I feel like a secretary. okay she's back.)

Babygirl, Guess who's back guess who's back guess who's back. Shady's back. Oh will the real slim shady please stand up please stand up.

(roll eyes and I heard her standing up, I swear.)

Okay back to the breaking out of prison. Let's try let's mess with the law and get into trouble and then get messed up again. I really want to experience prison break. I have enough of home breaks I want to advance to prison. Changi Prison okay? So near Changi airport we can just take a flight to Europe. Or Or OR you want CHANGI RIVER?

Okay I'm going to get weapons and amulets and go sheep hunting. Ten days later, please commit a crime for me okay? Every little thing that you say or do, HUNG UP! I'm going to HUNG UP, I'm hung up on you. Bye I love you

... dial tone...

I swear she seriously needs a wheelchair. If we could do 3logy, the one and only face I will put on is -_-

Anyway I had alot of fun in KL, I want more!!!! I got my Coach Bag Ha-Ha.

I want new boots and crocs for Christmas.

And lastly, the only crime that I will commit or I would have commit is stealing your heart and that's enough to give me a life-sentence. But don't worry baby, I got the blueprints of Changi River on my body. What's the best? I got your name tattooed on my fast-and-slow-beating heart. =)

Because I love you

2006-12-14T22:58:00.000+08:00

184, Happy Half Year.

As planned, everything went perfect, and I do mean, perfect with a capital P, supplementary to the heavy rain that left W and I at the Botanical Gardens for quite sometime. Bored, I tried feeding the fishes with the paper from the brochure we referred to for directions. Then, it was the gummy worms. Not to mention, I spent quite a long time piecing together the gift she had for me, and the airplane she had too, amazingly sweet I say.

Next up was my gift, an 8 minute experience up the hot air balloon. We were awfully anxious to get up and given the chance to, it was ...

Exhilarating.

The view of the city was breathtaking and splendid, I swear. Certainly, it was worth the money.

This is by far the best anniversary/ occasion I had.

Without a heart I can never really know what it would be like to love someone, or ever really understand trashy novels.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

You come to a point where you know, that the person you are with, might be The One for you to have a future with and that concretes where you last stood, at the age of singlehood to something more complex and complicated. That is where I am now, and I dont wish to leave it anytime soon, I see W in a few years more, brushing my hair as I sleep and being the first face I see as I wake, that is what I need now and perhaps later, maybe its too much to wish, but its nothing difficult to picture.

Bon Voyage, W and I are going on our holiday tomorrow afternoon to KL till Monday!

More Shopping, Night walking, Eating, Sex sex sex! (Well, That's up to you to believe)

Turn on the showers at Three am

2006-12-11T23:00:00.000+08:00

When Harry Met Sally

This is insane, one day not being able to see her might have just caused me to lose myself. Are you reading this? Do let W know that I need her and that I miss her, and that she is the one person who's words carries the world at each alphabet and who's the greatest person that can cushion what I feel and mention gracefully.

I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it.

2006-12-11T12:09:00.000+08:00

Hold my cotton candy hand

Its now the 11th of December, and in another 19 days, I'd be seventeen. Its funny how monotonous and indifferent I feel towards the idea of my very own birthday, maybe its because it wasnt all that fun and enjoyable through the past few birthdays that I have had, other than my 1-10 year old experience.

I wish I would not be in the country with W then, but its highly impossible. So that I can at least feel a minor elation when I come back to see a small amount of birthday wishes texted on my phone, still, again, it is highly impossible and it would jsut be from the same few people (not that I dont appreciate it, I do)

Damn.

Nontheless, most might still even forget about it and either wish me too early or too late, thinking that it is on the 29th or 31st. Pardon my birthday blues, I'm definitely not looking forward to it at all.

Bye

2006-12-10T21:56:00.000+08:00

Share with me the blanket that You're wrapped in

Yes! An unannounced win for us today, coming in second in the tournament, having to be the only local school that was able to compete in the finals, right on.

There were numerous teams from South Africa and Australia respectively and it was a good exposure for the team once again in preperation for another league to come and like was mentioned, self improvement. I had never felt this much accomplised and deserved, even in PL, where having awards for Netball are just thought bubbles meant for darts.

Not forgetting, all the teams from my school made it to the finals against the overseas teams, yet again, another "Wow". The Mixed, The Mens and The Girls under 20, but, Second's still good. I am really pleased today, a well deserved trophy.

W just left my place after having dinner. Gramps from Myanmar are in town now for her.

The definition of a beautiful girl is one who loves me

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up"

I suppose it is an accountable and unintended cause to feel waves of distress and also insecurities at hand when others glance over to your partner for more than 10 seconds with the eye of interest and her having an ex wanting to suntan (Please, that is a fucking lame excuse for "Oh can I have a day spent with you on the beach, how desperately romantic of me"). You cant help it, cause hey, You chose a prom queen and you have her now, making you one of the luckiest fucker around. Till then, I'll have a try at changing my mindset and think "Wow, look how envious they are when I am with my pretty baby, I know they'd wish they have a route into her pants, but I got there first, HA-HA"

Seriously, I cant help but ponder and stomp aimlessly on my insecurities, knowing that it isnt in her ability to control it, so it is my call to learn.

The approaching 14th, and I'll have my go at the hot air balloon for an anniversary present, even if most comments are ringing in my ear like "Why would you pay so much for a fucking 10 minutes up a balloon?" Well I dont know, I just feel like it.

Cristmas would be me having my fingers crossed.

W, This is for you, and I mean it:

I have said nothing because there is nothing I can say that would describe how I feel as perfectly as you deserve it, and a kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. It was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Another 5 days and off we go, W and I to KL, with my parents for a short holiday. Yes, I cant wait for that either, sure, and they say make full use of your break from training, huh deerling?

"Eh deerling, dont go so far" "My deer and deerling", Inside joke

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Goodnight

2006-12-10T00:04:00.000+08:00

A singnature song I've written once before.

Alast, the week is coming to a closure with the last day of the tournament. It started off with a tuesday marking the end of school. Still my joy is always shortlived since there is yet another 5 weeks to sit through till the real holiday draws me closer to happiness. Also, it was a friday at Pulau Tekong.

On the ferry, I had to fight against the loud sappy old love songs that goes about the same beat and lyrics and just the sound of it made me compete for silence and sleep, furthermore, the sea sickness that had engulfed my head just made me feel nausea.

Big boy is now in the army, aww, how wonderfully heartwarming. HA-HA, my big brother is now training to be a soldier, how unlikely. He had called back to whine to my mum on how much he wished he was at home, and kept swearing at boy about the resentment he had to contain at only day one, my pitiful fat sibling.

All I have is one thing on my mind

I cant seem to sleep at this hour, I am uneasy with a capital "I" blinking bright, enveloping my thoughts.

Anyway, the 14th is coming, and I do hope it would go as planned, erasing all the possible hiccups that might just peel itself. My 6th month, that is by far the longest that I've gone with anyone and without a doubt, its been a great string of fights and make up.

"You placed the sound of silence in my ears when I'm calm like sleeping underwater with dreams of you swirling around, I'm engulfed so don't let this fade away"

Not to mention, Christmas is fast approaching and I've since decided to change my gift to something more meaningful. Be surprised! Its shiny. And, it isnt a ring.

Well I hold my heart so close on my sleeve and I give it away if they take it away from me. Some say that's a flaw, others say that's just me.

So here is my heart, You took as You please

Tonight I'm dancing on the edge of reason

Goodnight.

2006-12-07T19:05:00.000+08:00

Ooh lala.

Now that I've got myself a new toy as a Christmas present, I am so delighted.

My days have been so boring and the season's come to a closure right about the end of this week with us coming in Second. My aunt just gave birth and it seems pretty hard to even get myself free space nontheless, its great to have them home.

"Athone Athone"
"Where is she? Is she coming over?"

Huh sweetheart? They love you. Yes, my cousins, both aged 2 and 5 years old are crazy over her, it kinda seems, that I have two more to compete with for attention, Diapers anyone?

Goodbye

2006-12-05T12:00:00.000+08:00

Remember we'd be up all night, Talking till the morning light. Like the way it used to be those simple days, Just you and me. I think baby I know what's on your mind cause you look like you've got something to say.

I may not say those words anymore but maybe it just ain't my way

You ask me do I love you but

Do you remember why I walked on water for you
Do you remember my first steps on the moon
Have you ever wondered why I gave three wishes to you
You asked the question
But the answer lies
In you, in you
The answer lies in you

Remember we used to laugh and say no one else could get in our way
And there were times when you would cry
And came knocking on my door
And I was there to shelter your pain
I think baby you should get that off your mind
Make it seem like a brighter day

I may not say those words anymore but maybe I can make it my way
You ask me do I love you but

Do you remember why I walked on water for you
Do you remember my first steps on the moon
Have you ever wondered why I gave three wishes to you
You asked the question but the answer lies

In you, in you
The answer lies in you
The answer
Lies within your heart

2006-12-04T00:51:00.000+08:00

You ask me questions but the answer lies in you.

Im in need of faith says:
ahh i didnt even realise my birdgay is in 26 days time

Something's gotta give says:
yah it is

Something's gotta give says:
time flies

Something's gotta give says:
although no wings

I'm amazed and tickled by her wonderful attempt at trying to bring out such remarks effortlessly, it must be the late hour. Cinderella has yet to sleep.

Come to think about it, I had my future planned out for myself, what I want to do where I want to go, who I want to be with, in which this case, W.

Happy BirdGay to me, in 26 days in advanced. Wow, I'm thrilled.

2006-11-29T22:51:00.000+08:00

What can I really say?

Tonight, Ive come to realise how much of my attempts are seen insignificant to an awfully large space, labeled "Vacant". Thanks. I had been struck back to my senses on how much of a loser I am in a relationship with the simple inability to provide reassurance and comfort, not to mention, emotional security which I believe all of us wouldnt agree less that it is the fundamentals of a relationship.
Wow, and it leaves me in bitter dismay having to walk away like that from Her earlier.

What was I to say? What is there left to say for tonight's conversation?

I have nothing else to mutter under my breath.
I'm at point blank.

"Come back to me"

Like a robot, I'm no released kite, Ive been there every single step of the way.

God help me, Im in need of faith.

2006-11-27T20:42:00.000+08:00

-ihaveahotassinvades-

All the songs we forgot to play

When it all went down, this was what I saw

Perhaps not the brightest of them all but the brightest one for me. Love isn't about competing what you can give or what you can't give. It is never of equilibrium. I repeat never. So competition will only weigh it down, causing destruction. Sharing, giving and taking is what I've fostered since young and I guess everyone else too. Also, it isn't about competing with others on whether you deserve it more than them and vice versa. It is a competition with yourself to keep it going. Keeping your heads up, holding defence and taking every opportunity to score is a sure win. And I believe you will win, everytime I put you out there. Handling pressure is also vital.

Because you are the brightest one for me.

Okay enough about that. I think I aced photoshop and I wish to show of my skills abit.

I started off with this

And had an early christmas presents exchange with Shan.This is me to Shan. And here's Shan to meMy third go at photoshop. Pretty huh. Yes that's my baby.
and happy 167th

Stars stripes and love, don't let me let you go

2006-11-27T20:18:00.000+08:00

I know that I should probably say something but I can barely breathe.

And I'm sorry if I'm giving up too easy. I just don't have the strength to fight no more. My throat is sore from pleading. I don't feel much like singing tonight. If I can stop the bleeding I know that I will be alright.

I'll quote a clever line like "hope" and I'll take the final words you wrote
To make them feel like bliss.

As always as I'll take the praise. I have a way with making things scripted like a song that makes you sting am I right? I need you here with me, so here's our heart to heart on the back of postcards sent. Remember when I said just stay what you are? I know you hate the feeling when I walk away when I'm without you. But I'm not the person that I know I can be because you're not here with me. You can break my heart open and ruin my epic ending with your hand like a noose around my neck

But the next time you say "Promise me", I'll make one for..

Myself to always stay

I'll find what was through a reflection I once lost.

Can we make this last forever, with every word we're growing distant and I feel as though I have to let you know. It's growing old to see us torn by every choice that I have made and in every instant you were right to write me off and move ahead. And I think I let you down, I threw it all away, now I never meant to break it up or make you feel this way.

Through open eyes I sensed a feeling painted black that lines your heart. It's bleeding through just like the colors that I've seen right from the start. And if I had the choice to do this all again, would you be inclined to notice it or would you just pretend?

2006-11-27T14:54:00.000+08:00

Peeling the flesh to reveal true identity.

What started to be real, could it be a fraud in disguise? I decline to believe nor absorb the magnitude of doubt circulting my head at this moment in time.

And they say that lovers should stay
And they stay that lovers should care
But I'll say that I've tried it everyday
I'd like to say it again, but I wouldnt dare.

Gripped and gnawed by the pangs of jealousy
Flushed by the reluctance of hate
Its not yet gotten the best of me but
I'll believe im doing it, going against fate.

Like ice being stuffed down my pants
Like death brushing past my skin
I feel so empty with nothing at my hands
Im standing outside the door, would you let me in?

The inablity to love exceeds my expectation and wanting
The thought on my loss of flame bites to break skin
For days, these thoughts had been to my haunting
Im hurt confused yet im persistant to win.

My possible inconsistency at hand is playing with my mind
I'm blank hollow and fighting with time
All that I have left to fight against is
The awkward silence between saying "I love you"
And that I wont let you go no matter what comes through.

2006-11-26T22:07:00.000+08:00

What it feels like beside You.

166th

2006-11-26T07:46:00.000+08:00

And the silence between saying "I Love You"

What a hectic week, thus the hiatus. The season is in and trainings are once again very demanding with multiple friendlies on top of the already heavy schedules of both school and sport.

Still, I managed to take sometime off school to shop, trust me, it wasnt intentional at all. So there was a Science test that day and I blatantly went to deposit money and strolled into school at my own desire, only to find out there was a UT. I never made it to class, instead W and I went off to Vivo and strolled the morning away which then saw us to Bugis to get things. I managed to get a Superman Shirt and a polo from there, next up was off to town.

Pretty items purchased again. I suppose in all I had flushed away almost $400 dollars in 2 weeks for return to the bank with my new pants and polos and tshirts and shoes. Stop me somebody.

Nontheless, it was a great day spent with W with her desperately wanting to pinch my pimple and me crying when she did and taking laxatives off the shelf without paying for it and just lazing at Starbucks with free drinks and munchies, credits to Jy.

What am I trying to pull off at such an early hour in bed, blogging? I cant move my back, I feel like I'm almost paralyzed in bed, with a back (that can possibly be because of a slip disc) that declines me to even move my legs. That is how bad it is now. On top of that I have to cream my hand that is burnt from a scalding incident. Yesterday's list of matches had left me sore once more and sadly I was unable to even take part in the last game.

After being lifted by three people, I collapsed on the floor cause my legs and back cant bare my weight. That was it, and it left me a whole night of agony that just jerks me out of dreamland to start thinking about what I want to do with myself.

If I carry on being stubborn and insist on playing for tomorrow, I'm in danger (if it is really a slip disc) I'm scared, well, maybe I'm still overly exhausted, from the past month.

Goodbye.

2006-11-20T19:02:00.000+08:00

-ihaveahotassinvades-

Hello butthead-two,

I'm at my girlfriend's house now and I'm babysitting. One's an angel and another is a monster. A five year old kid made me cry and he threatened that he will make me cry three times. HAHA. When he learnt my name, he started putting my name in every sentence he says. Cheeky bugger.

On the contrary, I love my girlfriend so very much. She's such a sweetheart. She gave me a good strip tease followed by great sex HA-HA, for real. Still, I love her so very much. Right now she wrestling the monster because he is wearing her boxers.

Oh my baby, you're strong enough. It's only one more day okay. =)

Can I request another striptease from you, my sexy baby? (red bra please)

Oh I'm so in love with you

2006-11-14T12:05:00.000+08:00

Happy Fifth Baby Girl

I could conquer the world with just one hand as long as you were holding the other

2006-11-11T16:10:00.000+08:00

-ihaveahotassinvades-
Room for rent

Let's play some pictionary fun. =)
After training, it was ultimate fun. We played rugby-polo in the waters HAHA. Screaming our heads off.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUMP? I JUMP YOU JUMP. =(
We raced across the pool. Su and I took 5 steps and fell. =( Though we weren't the first to reach the end but at least we were still the FIRST to fall. =)
Sweet

Yes baby, I do.

2006-11-10T23:29:00.000+08:00

If it is possible, I'd recycle time

Right now, I'm at my baby girl's place for a stayover. Training had once again interrupted our plans and thus far, we had to slot it into our space in the wee hours of the morning at 8am. How downright inconvenient.

It had been an awesome day spent both in school and a short trip to town, which ended off with me spending a little sum on the needed things:

2 pair of pants (Brown and Creamed)
2 tees
and
A sweet looking top for my nun also known as my girlfriend.

All the way from school, I was easily plotting against the toy (which I believe was a ticket to meeting W) that belonged to this desperately ugly looking butch who is so very much in love with W. How old do you reckon is the right age to play something like a tamagoci (whatever fuck the spelling is). Anyhow, it was a great deal of fun, making sure the toy doesnt work, because, look at the age and the shelf life of such a toy, its not old school, no it isnt.

Its lame and stupid.

So with the mild shopping done, I did feel a little accomplished, not to mention having quality time with her.

Then, just minutes ago, I found myself having to pry my little body from the grips of my baby girl, I had to be strong. This isnt because the relationship is failing, (its a really remarkable place that I am in now, and I'm deeply in love with Her) but because of the minimum time I have spent with my family. Having to miss the family trip to Bali itself isnt all that comforting. Yet, I had replaced family with trainings, how awful. Yes, I cry for that with the simple reason I am so very much attached with my family.

105th

Lets talk now about my baby nun, I had never experienced such a magnitude of emotion that I can never explain, even if its killing me to cry or elation rushing through my veins. The best place I feel at ease, is just simply in her arms. I cry in them, I sleep in them and I laugh in them. Never had I felt so much at ease with someone apart from my family members. I am so in love with W, and I found the arrow that Cupid had shot, it didnt land on the wrong person.

Nevertheless, I'd spend a lifetime with her.

I'd recycle it all over again.

2006-11-07T09:43:00.000+08:00

She whispered the words that "I'll miss you"

She's calm in the face, but she's never forgetting every other time I've been angry, raging, clenched up hands. But I know better than to mix Her in my raging cycle in this unstable mind. I've drained her empty and left her missing how I was when I was sane. I'm drowning in what I became, stretched so thin that I am slowly tearing until I'm left unfulfilled and deteriorating.

Welcome love, I have made a place for you here. I know every word they say. I know how they want to make you change. Change if you want, but don't you go and change for me, I can love you as you are.

It's a fight between my heart and mind, no one really wins this time. In the endless fight of grace and pride, I don't want to win this time.

Honey, these stop signs are suggestions. A mile a minute with my safety belt on hope, tonight, please put your favorite dress on. This place is just a giant highway, exchanging names while we play these distant games. It's safe to say it's hell without you, these crowded rooms could never match your face.

-

You lose your mind if you lose control, it makes you feel ashamed for the hearts your stole. And now you own heart's scared of an attack cause you can't give them back.

I'm all that's in our way

2006-11-06T20:56:00.000+08:00

Better than Me.

I think you can do much better than me after all the lies that I made you believe. Guilt kicks in and I start to see, the edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be

And I think you should know this, you deserve much better than me.

-

Trainings, what can I even come to conclude about it? Well, Ive been absent and a disloyal follower of my blog since. Sweating out my accumulated fats is just what revolves around my life. I barely have ample time to sustain my health and well being, what more W and the relationship.

Also, Ive since come to the detailed conclusion that, I suck as a girlfriend. And that is where the line is drawn thick.

What a pity, I am not even able to make it for the family holiday to Bali, tell me. What more am I supposed to sacrifice at the hands of Touch? I am certainly looking forward to the time where PolyIte comes to a concrete closure for the year, and that would indeed just sum up long hours of training with after tan. I look like a fucking wok, the bottom part I mean, exposed to so much heat where all that's left for display is charred skin.

Not to mention, Im a sucker for having the "X" grade marked for my modules, and I can proudly say, I had skipped more than 5 times since the school had resumed. How the fuck am I to get my >3 GPA? Sure, I dont know either.

I'll just head off to the showers now after a solid 2 hour rest in front of my flat black box, allowing the tv to watch me instead. My oh so interesting life. Fuck off

Nothing that is so is so

2006-11-01T01:26:00.000+08:00

I'll write you a letter that you'll keep

Maybe it's just me, couldn't you believe that everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving. And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face makes me wish that I was never brought into this place.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show and I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control. But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain to hell with my pride let it fall like rain from my eyes

-

It has come to my attention Ive been bawling my eyes dry the past few nights. Either, in my dreams or just in my non existent state of mind. Truth is, reality bites, and damn, it bites you real hard. Gnawing at your skin, bearing the label "Youve been deceived"

Anyway, it isnt even the first occasion that such a matter had been raised. Ive had bitter mind fucking encounters as such that still so similarly and prominently leaves me at the sour end, wanting to destroy all things in my possession and just lift my hand, still, I know better than that to be such a person.

I quote from previous entries: (Certainly, they are in relation to my decayed thoughts)

"Under my paper heart, lies a bruise with a hidden agenda only to hurt even more everytime I heal"

"This is a wicked place where you cant find anyone at all with a good side. Phantoms lurking at every crack in our lives, eating through all we could ever imagine to survive on which was happiness"

"The tension is manifesting itself and this might very well be a fragment of what is to come."

The thing is, its just the first piece to the whole puzzle and Ive yet to uncover the underlying reasonings that I believe had been desperately and nicely hidden. If its a battle requested, I'd win.

Fuck my desperate attempts for optimism at such an hour.

If a face could launch a thousand ships then where am I to go

2006-10-25T20:20:00.000+08:00

-ihaveahotassinvades-

Hey there sweetheart, I drop by to remind you that you still owe me a photo-me booth session and a shopping trip. And also to remind you that you are going to buy me 2 tops from Zara, a Coach bag, Armani Exchange tops,5 Havianas Slippers, 2 Prada Footwear plus 1 Gucci Dress and I shall be your escort. HAHA sounds familiar? But you really must buy me two tops lahhhh!!!!haha.

By the way, I saw an unusual owl near this blog. I took the letter off its leg and I read the letter.

It goes:

Dear Miss Suryanti Suryono,

We are pleased to inform you that you have a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July.

Yours Sincerely

Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress

2006-10-21T09:56:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday Bestie

She's finally seventeen, one more year, and she'll get her wish of not having underaged sex. I love you Lizzie (:

2006-10-19T22:52:00.000+08:00

I'm sick of one direction down.

I'm a broken picture frame, my whole world's twisted inside out..
Screaming, voices like a hurricane
Telling me to wake up, get out of bed, put your feet out the door, there's fresh air out the door?

Well, once more, I find myself having to conclude how days would end bitter, make that three days off the calender. Its been a repetition of events anyway, I suppose, its now time to build some immunity towards the arrows pointed.

"Part and parcel" of everything huh. Sure, it is. There's just this blockage in my mind now, I know what I'm feeling but I'd rather not be pathetic and go on the "look here, pity me, look at me, I'm sad" path. I have to salvage my pride, yes I do.

I was thinking, all these while, I've been shadowed by W's "nature" since I first met her, when I had the idea that she was a wonderfully flirty character who never fails to charm anyone around her. Isnt that why there's the whole crowd outside her door. "Me and my charms" as She would say confidently.

Thinking further into it, after we've gotten into this commitment, She has since tuned down a whole mile while I just kept myself constant, not declining any opportunity to talk and create conversations with anyone. That doesnt mean I flirt or I am out to do harm, just a clarification here.

After the past few days of constant thunderstorms, with us throwing the steaks of lightning across to each other. Spiteful words, hurtful actions and that was what revolved around our days. I have to admit, I'm tired.

I'm tired

Its weighing me down so much, having to fight and have to exchange words that can appear offending. Pondering deeper, I cant keep blaming Her, she cant keep blaming herself. Ive not been at ease with the fact that I'm cleanly innocent and with no justification that I am in the wrong. Yes, She may piss the shit out of me, yes she may do all the wrong things and be overly petty about everything for that matter.

Then I thought

What if I am in her position, having to see all those things that I go through. That turns the tables around.

So now, I realised, I'm a not enough asshole who doesnt deserve Her. Yes, I torture her by being so tempremental and insensitive. Furtermore, Im weighing Her down and always making Her feel lousy about herself. How useful am I then?

This is just a fucking random post. I just saw a need to type out what is in my mind. Its easier conveyed then said.

I question myself, and anyone can question me. Still, I leave that answer a vacant space.

In the mean time, somethings just can wait.

2006-10-18T23:00:00.000+08:00

In anguish and misery, everything falls out of place.

I have this really peculiar fancy to just seek refuge in my own sketches when I'm uneasy or when the grey cloud just envelopes my sky. Or maybe even in occasions where I cant seem to talk or say anything, I'd just bring it our of my head to paint and work on it. Strangely, it does work to a large extent. More or less, its putting song lyrics into lines and vua-laaahhh, you get it. Even if it looks like fuck, I wouldnt bother.

My prediction for tomorrow's weather: Downcast skies with a mopey feel of blues, I'm certain.

Why?

I have not the slightest idea.

Right now, its all there is to do. I suppose its better off if I sleep on it. Me and my oh so despondent self. It must be my pms, I feel fat and ugly too. Wow-whee, CC would finally be glad that I'm fatter.

Goodnight.

2006-10-18T20:30:00.000+08:00

Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful

This is where the road crashed into the ocean
It rises all around me
And now we're barely breathing
A thousand faces we'll choose to ignore

I listen to you cry, I cry for less attention. But both my hands are tied and I'm pushed into the deep end. I listen to you talk but talk is cheap and my mouth is filled with blood from trying not to speak. So search for an excuse and someone to believe you.

Until I tell you how it feels

2006-10-16T22:31:00.000+08:00

I'm not ready for goodbye.

What started off to be a simple statement with the pure intentions of making known, a day in the schedule, at the wrong moment was the catalyst of an argument that almost lead to an end.

I reckon and read off the incident today's triggered argument was simply not because of lack of trust, however, the lacking security that one can have to Her partner. Understanding that the past can be a closed chapter, still, no one can actually believe that its gone forever. Even I wouldnt know for a fact because, sometimes, you utter names and instances where you remembered having to do with a past. Does that mean that you've not forgetten? Strongly, I would say, YES, its forgotten although its pretty contradicting but yes, you get what I am driving at.

Spilling out words such as "I dont trust Her, I hate Her face, I hate Her" were just empty remarks that just angers one more. Cliche as it can seem, trust is always involved.

Mark my words, to a certain extent, no matter how minute it can seem, trust is always involved. Look harder and deeper into what was said, I'm sure, there will be a realization that trust can be weaved in between those words.

And so I concluded,

"I dont want to see you today"
"No, I'm going home after school and yes, I'm not seeing you at lunch either"

Taking a step back for a short duration, and weighing down, what is wrong and right for that relationship may seem dumb and pointless but to me it was vital, yes indeed it was and is. It will be the most important bit to sort out with yourself.

I did it and I found myself almost giving up on what I had for the past 4 months. It was an intolerable act that partnered with so much angered. Battling with the angsty thoughts that clouded my frame of mind, I had switched from loving W for that mere few hours, to hating her for shooting me and throwing me those thoughtless repetitive remarks on how impatient I am with her and how I can never speak properly and pamper her.

Never did she knew what was in my head..

Although I have mentioned numerous times on how dreams can simply be where one is caught up in a another world and that of remembered, its not abled to be drawn out to reality. Still, it never fails to bring me down to my knees due to its over emotional state I get dragged in, begging for a simple empathy on what it could mean. My dreams engulf my thoughts for about 3-5 days before Ive got the will to not bother about it at all anymore. Why oh why does it still come back even after all these while. The past the present and maybe the possible future. I reckon, no one can still interpret such a cloud, and it leaves question marks for not only myself but others too.

Yes I spoke to S about it, I'm afraid that the previous me would turn up unknowingly and stab me straight at the back. Meaning? I'd fall in my old path of not being able to stay with one for so long. Ever since, W is the longest and the first real relationship I have had. Compared to R and C, they were mere "puppy love" and false commitments just to fill the time. This is different. Just like how friends used to say "You will look back and laugh at how silly you are for liking them"

Sure, certainly, for a certain few, all those one-week or one month or "r/s" that I had put myself through, apart from something else, is worth the laugh. Jumping from one to another in a short span, spelt fun but I cannot risk it now. The only thing I really fear now, is myself.

Four months had left my calender slashing away my previous months with the marker bearing W's name. Its really no regret, no false emotions involved, no play. Fearing myself cant detour myself from the path I have taken. Too much is at stake and also, Ive sweared never to let go for as long as possible and to uphold my word of being beside her for as long as possible.

Let's prove "Me" wrong that play shant be involved in this at all, in which, I am pretty certain wouldnt be.

My life on standby

2006-10-16T22:29:00.000+08:00

I'm ready to drown.

School once more can leave anyone with an array of emotions. I suppose my school students can be pretty good at switching emotions in just one minute or two.

I find myself the only girl or maybe person in class who actually does scream

"Fucking VPN!"
"KNNCCB"
"Bitch what you want"

It makes me feel odd and awkward not having anyone else to say it with me, other than W coming to class and complaining about her work and together, we'd speak "rudely", but not so crude as CC am i right? HA HA

I am in desperate need of my As.

W.C spoke about the Nationals Contact 15s. Yes I have a keen interest of going through the selections, but that would only mean, me training again with people of a much higher standard than I am. Well groomed and experienced players like my very own coach and also M D W A etc. At the same time, again, I'd still be the youngest, 16 year old player IF I do make my way down to wednesday's training come selections.

Furthermore, W.C was stressing on how much I have missed club trainings for contact and the things that I have since missed on. The national round trip to HK China Thailand and S'pore does seem like a pretty sweet deal. Still, Aiyah! My what a commitment. Also, POLY/ITE is approaching and it means so much more than trying out for the rugby national team. Still, it leaves me in an awful delima, as painful as a toothache that cannot go away.

Everything in transit

2006-10-10T23:56:00.000+08:00

-Ihaveahotassinvades-

"RON, a PREFECT? ohh Wonderful, that's everyone in the family" Said Mrs Weasley
"What are Fred and I? next door neighbours?" Exclaimed George

Okay I'm currently having the Harry Potter Fever this week. I feel so Hogwarts when Sulieee used the Summoning Charm to summon her food;- "Accio Cheeflakes" and when I get to do a Patronus on Suliieee;- "EXPECTO PATRONUM" (when I do the Patronus Charm, the happy memory I thought of is how happy I am being with Suliee and how much I adore her, and that gives the most powerful Patronus) HARRY POTHEAD, BEAT THAT!!!

10 things I love about my suliieee

1. She intently reads Harry Potter to me everynight.
2. She puts up with my ridiculous pleasures.
3. She does not complain or yell at me when I force her to show off her red bra.
4. Helps me do my RJ
5. She cradles my emotions.
6. Carries my stuff.
7. She's so adorable when she whines.
8. She secretly online-shops and buy me pretty stuff.
9. She is Sulieeeee
10. How she becomes bimobtic and sings Stars are Blind to me at night.
11. Her fanstatic drawings for me
12. She serenades me with her singing
13. She's a red bra slut.
.
.
.
.

There's more to it although I said only 10 things. okay okay now for the Grand Finale
.
.
.
1001. She is witty
1002. She has a great sense of humor
1003. SHE IS A SECRET PARIS HILTON. (hold your horses)

This Polariod is the Bookmark of my Potter book. =)

It's the way you touch that sends me, the way we'll always be.

Goodnight people.

2006-10-07T20:55:00.000+08:00

Goodbye four leaf clovers

All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe. And all that you are left is treason. Is treason just to let it be.

I'm looking for a song to sing, looking for a friend to borrow. I'm looking for my radio so I might find a heart to follow.

Pretty interesting aye? Well, the week is coming to an end, alast. Lets heave a sign of relief together. Nah what was I thinking, its short lived, unfortunately. Training routines are going to be a little more demanding with an addition saturday training and friendlies at hand.

Alright, fucking random and bored.
Goodnight

It says, "Picture unavailable" right here

2006-10-04T11:46:00.000+08:00

Meet the family.

There was an additional request that I blog once again, lets see what my ahlian teacher requested:

you're my hot fighter says:
blog about sex
you're my hot fighter says:
HAAHAHAHAHahHAAHAHA

So here goes the "family tree" she invidually came up with.

Banana for a kid?

Anytime

2006-10-04T11:18:00.000+08:00

Fucking CC.

Things I want to do with a box of pastries:

I'd give it as a gift and make sure it fucking gets You fatter than I already am and then mock You in the face and see how it feels like to be shamed ruthlessly.

Then, I'd break from my silence state that I am in after feeling a hell lot better, and Youve gotten a taste of what it feels like, lets see if its dumb to cry when someone is being mocked.

HA-HA
Who's the funny man now?

-

On a lighter note, this week can be marked as the period where Su will be really SELFISH with money. Its remarkable how I spend my money aimlessly and not have a single clue where it went. My $$ is on the down side this week.

School as usual is really boring, and I step into class with the simple thought of clinching an A for each day. So far, all I have are 5 As. Yes, be glad be glad, but fuck its so boring in school, thus, a random post that hits no bullseye.

Meet, my baby twin..

She's been really generous with her lovely teachings of the language im not familiar with:

"Simi!"
"Sibei hot ahhh"
"Knn"

Yes, Ive fulfiled my dream of being an ahlian educated and ahlian speaking person.

And suddenly my optimism fades..

Goodbye

2006-10-02T23:16:00.000+08:00

-Ihaveahotassinvades-

Two things you can never mess with Su

1) FOOD
2) TELEVISION
(actually I wanted to count sleep in too but I realised I can mess with it)

SO speaking of which.

Let me tell you guys where you can find SULIEE's FAVOURITE FOOD IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD (other than me)

MY HOUSE

Everytime Sulieee comes to my place, I have no food to feed her except Corn flakes and Cheese. So she invent her own new cheese burger. Sweet.And MEIYAN promised me to ride a bicycle from Changi Prison to Republic Poly to look for me and give me 3 roses after her promos. =) awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

To billy and the owner of this blog:

2006-09-30T20:55:00.000+08:00

Let's drink to feeling nothing, at least just for tonight

Don't let me fall I'll break, what a mess I'd make.
Pathetic pieces on your floor, will cut your feet forever more.
You're porcelain, such fragile skin
Just let me hold you. I'll be gentle. I won't drop you.
This time I'll be careful.

Yes anyway, one clarification, I did not vote for Hadi that much, instead it was my elder brother, but sure, W loves to make me the butt of the joke. She enjoys seeing me having to put up with such things.

We each completed a little shopping, I got myself red suspenders (I can clearly admit it was out of impulse) and got W a belt and a necklace. I cant understand how W S and J can go ga-ga over online shopping, I find myself having to accept pictures and websites on the items. One minute its a dress, the next a necklace, it never fails to come to an end. Still, its what they love and me making a statement would only me my head on the table by the girlfriend's club.

The first week of school has been pretty alright. The attitudes towards learning in the current class is the total otherwise of my previous one. Thinking that the class would be just empty for breaks was something I had mistaken? Even the most unlikely person completes work and the worksheet. First meeting and Second Meeting, like wise the third, everyone is attentive. Somehow, it is restricting but Im getting a hand of it, what a conducive environment to study in though.

What an achievement so far, a great improvement from the last semester. I bagged 3 As out of 4 lessons in the week. Science Cognitive Enterprise. Oh how much I resent Culture and Aesthetics.

I'll try to quote a clever line like "hope"

2006-09-29T22:52:00.000+08:00

-ihaveahotass invades-

The red suspenders slut - TAKEN.

HA-HA.

Anyway this is my conversation with Su. ( I had to speak in that language to get to her )

So after that conversation. She got so excited she went to hang her red socks at her front door. I bet Red Lingerie is topping her christmas list.

2006-09-27T15:36:00.000+08:00

This door keeps slamming on my hands

It's just another stretch of highway
I never asked for ordinary time and time change
If I rewrote this it might just sound the same

When it's all heading miles in the wrong direction
Can I just cut, copy, paste, and repeat it?

Maybe I should write it down and turn another page then just rip it out

2006-09-26T15:16:00.000+08:00

Streaming voices like a hurricane, it's telling me to wake up.

Knocking around like a ball on a string

I do understand that the emptiness one feels cannot be outweighed by the bag of explainations the other tries to give. Yet, there isnt anything I can actually do. W's been really feeling under the weather emotionally. Mostly because, she feels, we've distanced and she's now a hollow shell. Our schedules are somewhat closely similar, with rugby and school taking the whole of our days. Still, never can we find "Us" time. I suppose its my fault because I've got my family matters to attend to and also my work.

I'm quitting my job. This weekend would be the last. Yes, the distance is taking a toll on Her, likewise, its the same for me. However, being mad and upset and not wanting to utter a single word to your partner would only widen it, am I right?

Finding time to spend together, sliding myself in every opportunity possible, you name it, Ive tried. Sure, I see how distraught she is right now, for every insufficient moment not spent with her (for her), I'd desperately try my best to up my attempts.

Yet, occasionally, I do wonder, if anything would be satisfying enough for Her.

My arms are hurting so bad from being so empty.
My heart weighs like a ton cause it feels so heavy.
My eyes may as well be blind if I just can't see you.
My hands may as well be tied cause they just can't touch you.

Get out of bed, put your feet on the floor, there's fresh air out the door.

2006-09-24T23:05:00.000+08:00

-ihaveahotassinvades-

Today I taught Suuuuuulie (as shan calls her) some chinese. Let's see how she fairs.
and for the grand Finale. ( as grand as singapore idol finals )
She wrote this without my supervison. I think she aced it and her handwritng is neater than her "paulnohill" mane. =)

And also I'm here to let out a secret about Su. She gave Hady 15 votes, I can't believe she is so minah.

p.s I TOLD YOU TO BLOG YOURSELF. HUMPH

2006-09-23T22:43:00.000+08:00

I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control.

But Im just strong enough

2006-09-23T21:33:00.000+08:00

Everything changes if I could turn back the years

I've come to realise how much of an emotional wreck I am this whole week, never can I find a day where I'm reasonless to my own moods, and most of the time, I'd rather keep it silent. After having a brief 5 minute talk with both my parents, and I do have to honestly admit, its the first Ive had since my return from Thailand. Furthermore, Thailand was a mere 4 days where I got to spend quality time with each of my family member, quality time out of the whole half year where I was just invisible to their naked eye. Why?

Its because I am never around for family functions, never around for gatherings, never in time for a good dinner, never around and never in time.

Some might just critic and mock how ridiculous I can be ranting about such an issue. I come from a household where kisses and hugs matter alot to the older folks and me not being able to kiss them goodnight because I'm either too tired to move out of my room just for that one minute or I'm not able to catch my mum in time before she sleeps. Once again, I'm always late.

"You dont have time for the family and most importantly, yourself"

"Do you still love me? Do you still need me? Or do you think you are able to live yourself with out the family?"

Hearing that come from them, it just took the better of me. Whatever happened to the family outings and dinners, I jeopardize those needed times by just letting them face an empty seat, or having to cancel family times and just stay home facing each other with no one to be the butt of the joke for them. Again, the only period where my dad's in the country, I'm not there. And many are aware of how much I love my old man, I think about him everyday and the idea of hearing his voice for about one minute everyday cannot overlap the physical emptiness that I have. My friends had seen how I hug him and kiss him, those are the only times where I get to, I'm a daddy's girl what do you expect from it? Family is the utmost importance to me, yet, I cant seem to find myself, fitting "me" in family times any longer.

Priorites, Ive gotten them sorted out but I see no leverage for "Me" time. Im in school early in the day till late and if Im lucky, I'll get home at about 6 other than that, trainings would just let me clock in past 10 and then the cycle repeats itself. And weekends would be no better with rugby and not to mention the fucking job that I'm intending to cut myself off. If I were to calculate, the amount of time Ive spent with my family (excluding the trip) for the past 3 months, it would be 2 days in a week, meaning, 48 hours only. It might be more, it might be less, still, its in that range.

I'm just juggling so many things at hand. I want to be able to please every party, family, W, rugby and myself. Somehow, nothing is ever enough for either and its just a big disappointment. Every bit isnt getting enough and most importantly, Im crying out for alone time at times. If I were to think of it, sleep and the 1-2 hours that I have a home, awake, cant ever act as alone time, it isnt enough.

Goodnight.

2006-09-20T22:11:00.000+08:00

If you just walked away what could I really say?

When it's just me and you.
Who knows what we could do.
If we can just make it through and take this blood off of me.
Stay here together and we could conquer the world if we could say that forever is more than just a word.

Its just a matter of insecurities.

-

Everything changes by Staind had been a wonderful moodkeeper this whole afternoon. It could contain what's left inside this hollow mind of mine, precisely, nothing's existing. I'm going through my Blank phase again, just let me be and give me my needed space, it would be what's best. Just try not to question why though, it would piss the shit out of me, because I cant answer that.

Anyhow, IT helpdesk was a major time waster, picture being there before 9am with the simple wish that your laptop would take a mere 2 hour so that training would still be an option for your afternoon. Figured wrongly I reckon. The whole thing was a lame fuck with no reception whatsoever for phones and furthermore, the system was repeatedly down. I could finally see life in this second black box of mine.

School's resuming tomorrow. Whee, note how excited I am, to meet new individuals. Not, fuck I hate school and that is the last place I would ever enjoy myself. I've said it to others, I find it awfully disgusting.

Goodnight.

2006-09-17T22:02:00.000+08:00

Though You travelled so far, but You're 25 minutes too late.

I've just purchased a book on dreams. 10,000 dreams interpreted, hopefully, I'll sort the peculiar dreams that I constantly have.

Goodnight!

2006-09-17T14:53:00.000+08:00

You're the one who set it up, now You're the one to make it stop.

Though everything's been said and done.

Well, I'm back from a period of hiatus. Since the last post, trainings been as tiring and matches played had been as disappointing. LFS and also UWC, this clearly marks the standard the team is at and hell it shows that we have a mile before we're as good and as capable as other teams. Anyhow, even so, We're all one big happy team, apart from afew loopholes where people are just fucking annoying and they just piss the shit out of you, other than that, without them, we're a great team.

The bbq went well last night and so did the sleep over at En's place.

En: "We should all play bingo"
Me: "Why?"
En: "The loser has to sleep beside W"

HAHA, just for a simple background, W bugs the hell out of anyone in arms length as long as she isnt asleep. Fortunately for me, I certainly dont have a choice.

Blogging has never been this dull, I'm begining to be disinterested in keeping this blog at hand, properly updated. Furthermore, as school is about to resume, I picture my overexhausted fingers keeping away from blogger after trainings and also the busy schedule of work and the approaching coaching course.

Not to mention, Sappy old love songs and the usual songs that depicts unrequited love and a path undecided had been my companion for the past few days. Sure, Ive no reason to be listening to such a label, yet, I cant cut myself off that "string"(Eh Bestie) of listening to such music. HA-HA, whatever, fuck off.

Bye.

2006-09-13T22:03:00.000+08:00

And then You're standing, stranded on the side?

Oh my fucking god, I'm here to complain and yet praise the training we had today. Fuck, had it not been the only reason that I want to shed those french fries eating their way our of my body and also improve on my speed, I would have decided not to show up for training at all. 4 hours of sprints and shadow play in all. WOW. Still, I'm doing it with every intention to be 3/4 of what I already am now, meaning, horrifyingly gross.

Anyway, Our..

Days had been smeared with bolts of insecurities and also jolts of comfort. Its been a wonderful period completed, and I do know, it is able to last a mile longer. We've seen each other at our lowest and highest, both the same. Sure, my past does haunt you every now and then with my blatant self admitting to dreams and things that I've said, but it doesnt change a thing. I wont take two steps forward and three back.

Happy third (:

2006-09-12T21:44:00.000+08:00

You'd be in your car headed back to my place.

Yet another boring and time wasting week to go through, everything is passing so slowly and training just fills my time, how I wish I wasnt in the country again, this time with W. Still, after the match played yesterday agaist NTU, I've come to believe the greatness B's 10 week training programme has in store for us, individually. Stamina improved, runs chisled and of course, muscles replacing fats.

I've realised how disgustingly ugly I am with the fats desperately reaching the ground from where they protrude. My butt, my huge arms, the fat legs, the huge belly, everything as a matter of fact. The untamed mane I have to wig on my head isnt helping either, how unpleasant and unsightly. HA-HA, I'm thin and fit, in my dreams.

-

He glanced over to that familiar face leaning on against the bar on the slow moving train. Sensing the tension in the air, it was apparent the other was at unease, avioding eye contact, trying hard to keep a stoic front. Who was she trying to kid, He could see much deeper than that for He had mastered the art Non verbal communications and every inch of Her just cries out for a short exchange of breath, He could tell it from a mile away. Gripping the handwritten letter of lost opportunities tightly in His pocket, He paced over to Her friend and whispered. Sweet everythings that He had always wanted to bring across, from heart and soul to pen and paper, handed over calmly. Retreating, he waited, hoping to see the faintest glint of hope that He had never ever witnessed.

The letter wasnt meant to be read that instant. Still, She read it, and it had triggered something in Him. No, the devils werent playing bad tennis with his mind. Knowing it was the final slack that was hanging, He went back. Seeing her dumbfounded face as She read through, word for word, taking in each sentence, pondering about her now blended thoughts, He stared blankly, comprehending. She looked up with crystal tears at the edge of her eyes, She said,

"Why did You leave me hanging?"

He said "No, You were the one, for the past few years, I've packed all I could for return."

She replied as He reached over to wipe her tears "No, Ive waited for You to fight for Me, pretending ever step, every new boy, but You gave up first"

Struck, He weakly answered "Sure, as if I could see that"

"They weren't You"

"Ive done my share, my days, my time. How was I to know, I left You hanging?"

"You should, every glance I sold."

"Its too late now.."

He's looking in her eyes tonight pretty soon he's going to recognize that the fire that they once had burning seems to fade fade away in the night time. She must be out of her mind this time, she always said that, so distracted, try to read between the lines. "I know you miss the places that I place my finger tips I know you'll never find another lover love, who will love you like I did. So here I go on my own breathing so never seemed so simple, wave goodbye and start to cry."

-

Wow, cool story huh.
Goodnight.

2006-09-11T08:58:00.000+08:00

The only place in town where I didnt search.

Alas, I'm back in S'pore. Thailand had been such fun, shopping, looking at hot trannies and more peculiar things sold along the streets of Chatuchat Market. Picture yourself walking and then you see a man by the corner with furballs on his lap. And you and your brothers turn and take a step closer, only to find Squirrels (seemingly half dead) and then next up, he fishes out an owlet. Doesnt that struck a chord for pity? Well it did.

My brothers had been great companies, (even the Big One, WOW, how remarkable that He didnt get that much on my nerves) We went for swims and they made me include myself in their awfully tiring "exercise programme" in the pool. Having to do pushups in the water with my leg kept on the water surface. 50, 40, 30, 20, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 counts. Fuck, I'm not a guy, now see my my arms are so huge. After that, it was off to cycling in the water with the same counts. All I wanted was to swim and the boys just had to wrestle in the water and lift me up. Just like old times though, it was sweet swimming with them.

And how random of my Big Brother to even mutter softly to me.

"I remembered the last time I kissed you!"
-.- Right, like I didnt, it was a wet kiss cause he couldnt kiss properly, and now he's a pro with a whole load of sperms in him.

I still think Boy can pass off as a hot trannie. Fuck this is bloodly random. Screw the dreams anyway. I'm cranky, lousy, underpaid(fuck Tumble tots for just giving me $50 for 3 days of work, when its meant to me $90) and boring.

How intriguing, HA-HA

Well, I've missed everyone (even the annoying ugly clone of mine, to a certain extent) and especially W.

She looked so happy in her wedding dress.

2006-09-09T21:47:00.000+08:00

-Ihaveahotass invades-

I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you
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I miss you I miss you I miss you
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I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
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I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you

2006-09-08T10:52:00.000+08:00

-Ihaveahotassinvades-

Now that she is away, I'm going to blog for Su. Anyway, just before she board the plane which was heading to Bangkok, her dad exclaimed and insisted " Girl, let's go to Jakarta for another 4 days when we come back". What a deadly blow. I guess this is something that I've got to get accustomise to. Her family loves vacations. I've never been apart from Su before, not to mentioned being apart for consecutive 4 days. They all say 4 days will pass by quickly- I refused to believe or acknowledge. I bet she has alot to blog about when she returns, I've heard alot of interesting tales from her last night. I seriously think the elder brother is sick.

Can anyone tell me how do I handle the little nagging thoughts in my head and the loneliness I feel at night?
I can't wait to hold your pretty face with my cupped hands.

Eating Ban Mian has officially become my therapy.

2006-09-06T23:59:00.000+08:00

-Ihaveahotass invades-

This is for you baby.
For now, it is Aeroplanes and Bon Voyage

Till you're coming home.

2006-09-06T23:18:00.000+08:00

Asleep I still see You lying next to me.

Im going off for Thailand with a plate for mixed emotions to swallow. Sure, what is just four days spent with my family, everything. Considering the fact that we rarely have family dinners with each other because Im never home early enough to catch the hot warm food, yes, its worth the trip. And my dad taking a break from his hectic schedule just to slot in a couple of family spent days, yes, I'm really looking forward to it. How much I missed my old man.

Yet, at the same time, this would be the first since W and I have parted. Sitting through and reading the text messages of her missing me and I the same. Im dumbfounded athow she might be taking it, yes its just a holiday (blah blah) But if anyone other than my close friends were to say its dumb, save it. Its going to be really strange not having to see her every single day and night. So, I ask that Shan and the rest NOT MAKE HER CRY. Just allow her to go on her nonsense "HAN-NAH" rampage and her whining. (:

Here are a few pictures for eye pleasure, sure, get sick of seeing these two faces constantly appearing here, but get used to it (: This is from Krunk, and the two girls who took the polaroid went "You look like twins"

-.- Yes, sure we do.

Too strong to let go, nothing can replace it.

Okay, till then, Goodbye.

2006-09-05T19:49:00.000+08:00

You dont miss the water till the well runs dry.

Wow, its been awhile punching the keys to my password for this account. Quick update, I've been unwell for a really long time, even now, traces of my flu and cough are still on red alert. And not to forget the recent event Krunk, it went well with the stall selling green apples with chocolate topping, hotdogs and the currypuff. Also, the supposed "Game Stall" that I had suggested only had three customers ( V, M and A) WOWWW, how cool was that. So they had the chance to splatter an awfully outrageous "paste" of Flour, chocolate, chilli and water.

Urhh, how it made me squirm.

The day after was NTL against my own club. HA-HA, each of us were like walking zombies, having to sleep at unearthly hours of 5 or 6 in the morning. Still, we played well, really well I must say.

Training schedules are predicted to be even more strenuous with our new 10 week programme of long, energy consuming and taxing sprints. How we ached today after the first training run we had yesterday. Poly-Ite is approaching real soon and we've to meet our goal, and then soon after, I cannot wait for Contact Training to resume. Eggg-cting!

Fuck this is so random and pointless.

Ultimately, I'm deeply satisfied with where I stand now, having to move on from my 2 year deluded state I was in waiting for S (So I pack it all away, for safe returning) to return to how it once was, and eager for my 3rd month to land its mark and more to come.

(Dont laugh at this W, HA-HA, not funny)

YES, she's been wonderful and I had never pictured myself meeting someone so similar to I am based on what we fancy and dislike. Not to mention, how we string each other's sentences and how similar we look (Yah, we've heard that more than anyone can imagine) But I wont splash black paint over what Im having now by doing anything dumb because, Ive waited this long for something so miraculous as such to congest my daily routines and thoughts.

Move in together? Definitely as soon as we can. As she would say our "biggest wildest dream".

HA-HAH

And now I'll be leaving for Thailand this coming Thursday morning, missing training and the weekly Saturday match. 4 days can seem a lifetime or even pass within a blink...

But what is a day with W?

Overwhelmingly extraordinary.

I played the part of a broken heart upon a shelf
I played that part so lonely and so well
Thought that love belonged to someone else not me and you
I know that you've been shattered , you been bruised
We both know what it feels like when you lose
But I'd bet my life on the roll of the dice for you

I bet you counted all the tears I bet you've cried
I bet you swore you'd never let love back inside
Cause it hurt you way too bad to say good-bye
Now, there'll be times when I might put us to the test
And it's hard for broken hearts to just forget
But I'm driving blind, I'll lay it all on the line for you

2006-08-31T23:14:00.000+08:00

For real

The song of a little bird. The joy in three little words. I know it's real. That's how it feels to be loved by you. The stars from a midnight sky, the melody from a lullaby, there's nothing real that I wouldn't steal to be loved by you.

If everybody knows it's only cause it shows. A smile to put you on a high. A kiss that sets your soul alight. Would it be all right if I spent tonight to be loved by you.

Your love is released and you move me with ease, and you rescue me time after time. You give your all and you take it all in your stride. With all the power of a symphony, that's how my heart beats when you're holding me. I can't conceal, this is how it feels, to be loved by you.

If everybody knows it's only cause it shows.

2006-08-30T09:41:00.000+08:00

Even all the bad songs aint so bad.

I cant seem to sleep anymore lately. Ive found myself waking up to nightmares of the past and present. At the same time, what seems to be most prominent as I sit up in bed thinking "What the fuck was that about" is this perculiar feeling that Ive not felt for the longest time. I try to trace back where that familiar feeling meets. And it lead me to recal my days in PL. Where there was thrill in chasing and playing around (Im sure Lizzie knows what I mean) My how Ive lost myself along the way.

Good morning, goodnight

2006-08-29T22:40:00.000+08:00

Built this way.

And so as usual, it was like any other training day where we meet early and get our very own 1.5l water and hide them in our bags from the vultures (seniors) HA-HA. Somehow, it was different because I had a semi surprise that F was going to pick me up at Ang Mo Kio station. Why is it a semi surprise? That silly girl went to tell me her plans the night before, very funny, so kanchiong for what. Still, knowing her, no secret would be kept safe because she will not even use a brush to tame her itchy mouth. But she's still the best.

I'm offcially dry of moolah. Lending money to others hasnt been a something I'm accustomed to, still, to most, I'm a walking ATM machine. Where was I to get $210 by tonight and then claim the cash from the fund? Anyway, at the end of the day, its just a simple $50 lent to others. No moooolah for me to get what I want to put on for Krunk@Sentosa. Furthermore, my pay hasnt come in.

Anyhow, Lulu and S invited F and I for lunch at Botak's western stall (Im pretty certain I got the name wrong). Couple couple, and so, a new addition to the gang, S and C. Who are we kidding? Seeing F and I hold hands already make them squirm and remark "Ewwww, disgusting!" Aiyah! Gay Pride. The food was deliciously filling and worth every cent. Head there one day because the meat is really tender for the fish, beef and chicken. Its pretty affordable to all too and not to mention, its only in AMK Avenue 5.

S C and F walked over to my place only to meet two rascals at home. The princess and the monster. Come to think of it, Ive not blogged about both kids for sometime. Not like anything had been altered or any sort, That monster was being an annoyance and the princess a whiny baby. So here's a little pictures. God, I must say, the monster is just a miniature version of my Big Brother. Picture having to see Him try to pick up my own girlfriend while she was sleeping. Hilariously dumb. HA-HA. What can I possibly expect out of a 5 year old people may ask?

"The bed is for two people, come wake up, sleep outside with me, for two people. I'm alone"
(As he pulls her toe by the side of the bed and He climbs over)

That came out of him, what a rascal. Okay, not funny. So this is just Sophie with Us. The monster is too hedious for viewers. (Nahs, Im kidding, the camera just resents the idea of capturing his picture)

I woke up early this morning around 4am. With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate. I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep. But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake. Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms. I've been trying my best to get along. But that's OK. There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom. Take your memories I don't need them. Take your space and take your reasons. But you'll think of me. And take your cat and leave my sweater. Cause we have nothing left to weather. In fact I'll feel a whole lot better. But you'll think of me, you'll think of me.

I went out driving trying to clear my head. I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left. I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this. And all the baggage that seems to still exist. It seems the only blessing I have left to my name, is not knowing what we could have been, what we should have been

So
Take your records, take your freedom. Take your memories I don't need them. Take your space and take your reasons. But you'll think of me. And take your cat and leave my sweater. Cause we have nothing left to weather. In fact I'll feel a whole lot better but you'll think of me.
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind. Don't worry, I'll be fine. I'm gonna be alright. While you're sleeping with your pride. Wishing I could hold you tight, I'll be over you and on with my life

(SO LAME.. I'm having this song on repeat for no definite reason and just as it is apparent, this post is unlimitedly full of shit and ultimately, its so random and redundant. My fingers are just too itchy and so I had to even post up such meaningless lyrics and an ugly drawing that came across with the aroused feeling I had as I listened to each word. No deeper meaning than a simple lame bag of dung that I have under my sleeve. Dumbshit asswipe, Its bullshit and lame. Su, SO LAME)

Goodbye.

2006-08-28T13:43:00.000+08:00

What a bitch.

So it was an unglam dressed date with F yesterday, too bad for Us, I wasnt well. Met her after work and we got me my new pair of sandals from Num. That lovely bitch was trying to bring out the ahpek whining out of me by saying "No, $50 for a pair of rubber!" Picture that playing at your ear the whole time. (I knew she was just talking and yaking to annoy me, because deep down, SHE WANTS IT HERSELF) But wait, No no "for a pair of rubber" is not worth it aye.

Then we headed to the Midnight Blacks and we each got ourselves the yellow sleeveless and a black event tee, nice pieces. For her, it was meet the family time. HA - HA. Anyway, I can see that my parents adore Her, especially my dad and also my little brother. Not to forget the Big Brother, who I knew, was trying to hit on her in front of me. HA - HA not funny, I had t sit through bus rides and dinner having to watch him question her so much about her "boyfriend" whom He believes is "non-existent" because she keeps hanging out with only me. Both my dad and big brother proclaimed "you look like twins" and then started the whole mockery session by my old man..

"No, She is the before and W is the after"
"She is stetched"
(Family joke)

Anyway..

Im down with fever and waves of discomfort at home on my bed now. This could be because of my over exhausted body, mentally and physically. I miss F and I cant see Her till tomorrow, its been some time since we have actually spent quality time with each other. Furthermore, training would be a definite physical tomorrow since our last match against TP which ended up bad. If I am not well by Krunk@Sentosa, for sure, I'll be in deep trouble, NTL against Src the day after and work the day after, wheee, how thrilling. I hate taking medicine and Im too weak to reach for it in the kitchen, so in the mean time bitches, I'd just probably sleep in till training comes.

2006-08-26T21:17:00.000+08:00

-Ihaveahotassinvades-

So for the past weeks, Su has been complaining that she wants a new skin. So here you go, a little something for you. I kept my word. Say hello to the spanky new butthead-two.blogspot.com

I have a good friend by the name of Garfield. As much as I want to listen to what she wants to say, I choose not to. I can never fathom her mind. I don't like how she beats around the bush and don't come straight to the point. I don't like her giving me a million apologies because when "sorry" is used too many a times, it starts to loose its meaning. Classic huh? I miss the old Garfield I've known a few weeks back. The one at borders, esplanade, supercuts, school talks, sleepovers, night cycling, playgrounds, 7-11s, birthdays and Suntec. I don't like the now Garfield, the one at mamak shops trying to buy ciggerattes, walking behind the few of us reading newspaper, the one who doesn't eat, who drowns herself with emo songs and thinks she's so pathetic. I've always said to you my dear friend, you're so much stronger than that. My faith in you can move the mountains. But you choose to disappoint me. My point is I like sane cats.

So today we had NTL. While we were taking pictures, I felt something heavy and big crushing my poor palms. I looked and exclaimed, " SU YOUR FAT THIGHS!!!" I think my finger bones are all shattered. Su is so fat that she has a fat ass. She thinks she is very skinny(like me) and likes to show off her rib cage where all I see is a big fat lump which is her big tummy. (cheap thrill) Annoying Su is my greatest pleasure.

So now the pictures.
and, this is for you baby. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder which in this case is the sunglasses. Meaning we are beauties or our love is a beauty and you behold me. -beams-
(damn I have bad puns.)

That's all I have for you. I know I know, my grand finale...............

2006-08-26T21:00:00.000+08:00

In addition to Cat..

Hearing the claims that You go on your long winded streak of apologies just puts me off. Like what W said the other time, your desperate attempts are "disgusting". I'm sorry to even say this. We aren't even trying to be hypocritical where we bitch about you behind your back, because in this case, we don't. Clearly, we can differ what is and what isn't.

We have each, in a way or two or even in a million ways or another had tried drilling in messages that projects only one statement "We care". Now, we don't. You fucked yourself real bad trying to fit in with the smoking and attention seeking self of yours. You have no clue how much we resent the person you've became.

Accept.

That is all you can say. Face up to your own dirty deeds to yourself. We know what that one word comprehend. And we have accepted the fact that You do smoke cause Hey, I used to smoke and now I've quit cause W wasn't happy. Why did I do it, you can ask (only to shoot yourself in the foot real hard) why? Because she's the one person who means a lot to me. And if in that tiny shallow head of yours which I and the rest believe does contain a certain level of common sense and self respect, you can deduce what I'm trying to say. Ultimately, You don't care about yourself like we care about you. You don't give two hoots about ruining you're already screwed up life. So fuck off.

Anyway, at the same time. "At times I do it for attention, sometimes, I just smoke because I want to." Ask your little hollow brain again, what the underlying reason is again. Its your self exaggerated problems that you blow up so enormously every time. Your own fears of people leaving. Now I begin to understand why they leave. And can We safely conclude that it is because of Your own actions that drive people away. Like how you get so clingy sometimes, and how you drop evident hints that you want to be invited out and how you just try to digress when people are trying to make your feel better.

Forget about the rest, W and I are the only two who have spent so much time with you and through what we've seen, We don't mean a thing but objects to propel the needed attention you gravely lack.

You are a smoker, yes you are. Others may not be alright with it but I am. However its pathetic how I see you get an "orgasm" at the word "cigarette" It leaves us in utter dismay and disgust, please. Yet you still claim, "I will stop I will stop" and please, quit paying lip service just to pacify our ears because we have heard enough of it and we know what your intentions are for every remark that flies off your lips and every nonverbal means of communication you shoot at us. We learn the way you are, and we try to help, but you make us resent you instead.

This isn't a matter of us understanding You or trying to accept. This is about you, changing. You cannot deny we have tried everything but you planned to turn a deaf ear on us. Face it, "I'm sorry" cant work anymore. Because, We do accept your smoking habits (soil your tomorrows then) but we cant accept the way you are acting. Believe me, this goes more than smoking, its how rude you have turned, the way you carry yourself.

So you think it's fucking cool to shake your leg and raise your voice like you do now. Fuck, Uncool you needs a straight lesson on being proper.

Jy, quit being a fuckhead.

2006-08-25T18:00:00.000+08:00

And I watched sailboats spoil my view as if I had a choice

The holiday has finally approached. At the same time, it drags along the reluctant feeling of having to change class. Here goes the whole "Hi, I'm Su" introduction to new faces and new characters to work with. Whee, see the excitement I have in store. Please.

The pictures below, I was going out of my mind with hunger and also, a monotonous lesson, so I drew. I wouldnt want to explain what the pictures project in detail, but yes, I was hungry and the meat (cow and chicken) just added on to the decaying stomach I had in me. This is what I get when I put myself up to agree with F on being vegetarian. She resents Mug, while I love it. Im still sitting in my budget corner, with no atm card in hand since its been hostage by F and a mere $3 to spend everday. Thanks F.

Listing down what I want to get on impulse is really fun. Yes, Ive narrowed them down to semi needing and semi wanting. And furthermore, Ive decided not to scoop shopping money from my parents this month. So with no atm (thanks F), Im saving from scratch. Pay is coming in soon too. Good on you Baltito.

(I just want my money lah!)

Anyway, Boredom had taken its rude toll on me. In comes the wave of restlessness and the stretched arms to the food basket. Still, my mum feeds me really well with tidbits in the house, and the basket never fails to be empty.

Trainings would now be scheduled in the morning, meaning, I might have to miss this year's Teacher's Day. What a shame. Even so, I wouldnt miss it for the world, but Rugby is just as important.

Lets see, F S J and I headed off to Chinatown one day. According to F "Like an excursion." How deprived she is. Haha. And it ended off pretty well, managed to get hold of the lightsticks and earrings for the upcoming Krunk event at Sentosa this following thrusday. And we settleD down for a while at this chapalang stall that sells all those home accessories, like earpicks and fly swats. As a token of love, I received one awfully painful hit from F. Yes, Im a DRAGONFLY to her.

And so, they started to take out the make up kit and reached out for my face. So, in the bus, I finally gave up and said "I make you happy, doll me up" And wow, like Ive never seen three people so elated and eager, they started work. I think I looked like shit still.

Off we headed to town, and my goodness. We were overwhelmed by the urge of food. We switched eating places and started to stuff ourselves with food. So much for a long session of logistics for Krunk. Burger King, Rocky Masters and Instant noodles. For me personally, I had an addtional Kfc meal waiting at home.

Sent F home and I caved in. So, I slept over at her place that night and headed for training the day after. Which left me in sheer exhaustion, thus the fever and dry cough.

2006-08-25T17:58:00.000+08:00

My Reply.

A pretty made up person on the right and a HOW EXCITEMENT SO LAME HAN-NAH person on the left who invests alot of love to the person on the right.

2006-08-22T23:11:00.000+08:00

The choices we were given.

F and I have been putting up with with it for quite sometime now only we refuse to acknowledge the whole issue because She is our friend. But sometimes, She just has to understand that the smoking always delays our plans, always aggravate us and not to forget, sucking our own personal income because, hey, when She has no money (after spilling them on ciggs), who supports her, Us. And F pays for her and I pay for F and Her at times too. So now, I see where my money goes to, and you cant question the amount of allowance I spend in a day. And neither can F question Hers. Delays "Oh I forgot the ciggs" and Wham, if we dont take a cab down, we'd be late. Its so ongoing that, Ive come to realise, I cant be bothered at all with it more frequently than ever.

And today, Yes, so what if She got caught by the Health Promotion Board. F and I were there, we saw the disraught look worn on her face. The fear and the potential tears welling up in her eyes. (As I told F, "She'll talk as if She got away easily and be happy about getting caught") Sure, that look or not even a tiny breath of fear or worry was apparent earlier. All we (S F I and the rest) saw was a "Ooooh, HAHA, You know, I got caught...etc"

Yada Yada Yada

I know you are my friend, but I just have to bring this out like this because, Us talking and reprimanding you just doesnt get to your head.

It puts Us off when you cant even fend for yourself because Your ciggs fend of you. Not as if its a burden or any sort, but have some self respect and self control. You only get in the deluded state of yourself with F and I. And we start to think "Is that all that She wants from Us? Attention?"

I'd say to a certain extent, NO.
Then again, there can always be an underlying possibility that isnt evident to Us.

We've mentioned, keeping up is difficult, and You pretend as though You are making use of F and I for your own comforts and Us as an input for attention. I'm not sorry to say this as its a matter of being ingenuous.

And its not as if We do not enjoy the outings and all, We do, Hands Down we do. But at the same time, review how you are treating Us and what light you are placing yourself in.

Yes you did

2006-08-21T14:49:00.000+08:00

-Ihaveahotass invades-

For now, Su will write the stories and I'll paint the pictures, sweet.

TOWN ON FRIDAY.
SATURDAY NTL.

That's all for you bitches.

2006-08-20T18:47:00.000+08:00

The night will go as follows

In a romantic fashion
I will experiment with my fear right before her eyes
And every smile that's unveiled will be soaked
In my nervous charm

Then I'll say "Is everything alright?
There's been a few things I've been meaning To let go of tonight"
And she will say "Everything's just fine
So you can put an end to your worrying mind"
And then our lips will collide

The August sky will then bare witness
To a brand new chapter with torn up pages
When the planets align, I can feel the gates opening
To my courage
As I proceed to run my fingers through her hair
And forget everyone who's jaded, cause they don't matter
And I don't care

In a confident fashion I will admit my deepest and darkest to her
And every gaze across the table
Will send my unsuspecting body into shock
Then I'll say "Would you like to go inside? And forget the world and the rules
By which we are to abide"
And she will say "There's nothing I want more"
As we step into the room, turn off the lights and close the door

Consider this song a testament
Of my devotion to your sacharrine scent
And to be completely honest
You're not like all the rest.

2006-08-19T18:40:00.000+08:00

While She's sleeping with her pride.

Take your memories I dont need them.

What an exhausting day its been. NTL once again at Turf City, this time, I was without my inhaler and breathing seemed the world to me on the field. B pulled me to the side during subs and kept saying "Composure, you need to put in composure". I was dropping balls and my speed wasnt there. I was clearly letting myself down and on top of that, the team. My game play can be described as trash. All I could do was crash ups and then I get touched, not to forget, a target from the opposing team cause I was slow enough. What a bad start.

On the other hand, Im having to go through this Budget "programme" by F. I would only be able to spend $30 for a whole week. (Tell me its impossible) And She would retain my BankCard. So long to the days where I happily punch the numbers and hear the machine ever ready to spit money out to my eager hands. In a way, its good, still, Im to go vegetarian too. And my meals would be shared with Her. How exciting aye? Difficult but do-able. God help me, in at least 4 weeks, No more fat ass, and hello, Richie Rich!

I showed Her.

I see, its been a long time since Ive actually posted any entries myself other than having F invading and posting up whatever She wants. No complains though, the posts are pleasant to the eyes with Her nonsense.

So school school.. What is there to say about it? Other than it being a mundane environment that is not cohesive at all to actually study. To me, its just somewhere One goes to for a few hours of relaxation (slacking) because all there is are white walls that hold no colour or life and better yet, the huge ass library that is always vacant. That became a classroom for the few of us, people watching, taboo playing rugby players.

There's this saying that I recently heard "Rugby people cannot study" A senior mentioned it the other day where we were psyched to head to class for a grade and instead, we directed ourselves to the library. Familiar? "Netball is the worst Cca". Old memories of Netball being the only Cca that carries the most number of problems and roudy students are still fresh. Getting in touble in Pl, being asked to standing front of the population clad in the bright yellow netball uniform. Those were the best days, getting in trouble.

Todays time however is just the guys and girls coming to class in our training gear, talking back to the teachers, using rugby as an excuse to leave class early, basically, a word that can sum the whole issue up would be "Restless". Well, that is how I view it. We'd meet for lunch or first break out and the guys and a few girls would head for a smoke and then out comes the question "Do you want to skip? Lets leave school". We're faced with the same question daily, but not as if its a damaging statement or any sort.

So, F Jy and I, the trio. We've not stepped in class for the longest time. Last week, we barely made it to the door. Arriving in school, prepared with the laptop in the bag, instead, we start with "Lets skip the first meeting".... KABOOM... "Im lazy to move, lets skip the whole day. Or we head to F's place". That's all we do. (:

I know im one to not be able to keep track or stick to personal goals, so Im taking a day at a time. My GPA is about 2.8 (which is horrible) but they would round it off to a 3 (so Ive heard). Do I see it? Yes I do, God help me minimize the urges to skip lessons. Im not taking an easy course, yet Im skipping the two modules that caters the most to the course. God help me.

On a lighter note, its been long since Ive stepped under the light and feel the heat of being thoroughly happy since 2 years ago's episode with S.

I do feel the warmth, and Ive played to keep.

Even so, Dreams. I relate to dreams as being an escape from everything that edges me.

"I fall asleep tonight, cause that brings me closer to You"

See this? Ive subjected myself to lean on dreams to come close to this certain someone. I used to think that dreams are whats holding me together, because it would be the only place/reality where I feel alive dreaming about Her. Stupid, peculiar and really ludicrous. Yet, that was what kept me going and living for the longest time before I met F. The past few dreams however, took me to a road where I had to choose. Knowing me, I take an awfully long time to even come to a conclusion on what I want and need, and I'd choose Needs over Wants. (This shows what an unruly decision maker I am, seeing from the long period I take)

Leaving.
It each ended with Me leaving. Sure, its only a dream. Certainly there are instances whereby, we let them get the better of Us for a day or two while we ponder aimlessly, trying to find the underlying meaning of it all. And they say "Dreams turn out the opposite everytime You remember them" A handful of mine had come true even if I remember or not. Anyway, back to it, I know, I have enough regrets to live with in relation to "Leaving" that can last me a lifetime, seriously. And I dont want to find myself back to square one.

Then again, "We create our own future" I decide what needs to be done for myself and I can distinguish the difference between what is wrong and right. (Only to find myself making decision based on what I think is right for, myself) Still, at times, I get clouded and undiscerning, only, awake to what I want for myself and what I need (Based on conscience because I cant live long lying to myself what is real when it isnt) What a selfish prick.

Its just dreams.

Once again, I have no clue what to take in and live by, but believe that Im typing all these bullocks in my semi-awake state, what balderdash. HA - HA.

Goodbye.

2006-08-16T13:38:00.000+08:00

-ihaveahotass invades-

Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.

Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You're able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.

This week's enterprise lesson is about change and how you deal with them. I think it is something that everyone can closely relate to. If you've realised, everybody (including you and I) is undergoing change every single day. Be it physical, emotional, mental and spiritual, change is inevitable. Out of all the lessons, I think that lesson was the only sane lesson I've been in. If I were to ask everyone around if they like change, without hesitation, a chorus reponse of "we hate change" will be spitted right back at me. No matter how one detest change, we cannot avoid them. It's like a vicous cycle we all yearn to break. There is no way to make people like change, but you can make them feel less threatened by it. Times, people, things change but we change with them.

okay let the pictures do the talking.

Good play LOR ,Su. =)

Here's a little something for Su's bestest friend.
okay that's all from THE BOMB.

2006-08-12T21:02:00.000+08:00

I thought.

2006-08-11T10:02:00.000+08:00

-Ihaveahotass invades-

Hidden puns and lies.
Avoiding judgemental compassion
Looking into the sky for intervention

2006-08-10T22:36:00.000+08:00

-Ihaveahotass invades-

Now I am officially blogging for Su and that is a good thing. I'm doing the eyes of the public a favour, not to mention, Su. You should be thankful that I'm blogging for you. I know your little secret. I'd heard that you've received alot of complaints for typing lyKe DiS WoRX.

To cite an example.

This is how Su blogs.
toDaY wAs ReAlli gReaT wOrX. miiE SkIpPed-ED tHen miie N moi CraZee FweNs gO 2 Mac-no-nelDx 2 mUm mUm wORx. miEe lUb Moi CraZeE FweNx MaNie ManiE.

(-shudders-)

Just the thought of it makes me want to jump down from my 10 storey high building. Please Su, isn't it tiring to type LYKE DAT. Why are you so abnormal? I am not surprised if you bitches can't comprehend the example I cited. Bow to me for nothing letting Su torture you bitches with such hideous way of typing LORX...

So today, Su and I went to school for the UT only lahh. As usual we skipped school. As if we were on a skipping spree. I've skipped the whole week of school. Speaking of which, I realised I've never skipped school before. That concludes that Su is a bad influence. TSK.. Training was so fun, I like. And also I caught Su peeping at me several times. TSK again. Don't be so distracted, it's only me. We are going to burn our Saturdays off with ntl, so fun.

So let me tell you about the story of Su's back. It all began when Su started popping pain killers into my mouth. I got really really high and took a leap on Su. The next thing, I saw her lying on the grass whining like a bitch. And Su doesn't know how to eat. She poked her own tongue with the fork. She's such a retarded bitch. But baby, I sayang you deep deep okay and I'll cook shark fin soup for my fine baby. =)

Okay now the visual fun.

Good night my lover, love me still in the morning.

2006-08-09T20:01:00.000+08:00

-ihaveahotass invades-

Disclaimer- The I's refer to Su.

Happy 41st Birthday Singapore.
Finally, I've been waiting for this day - my country's big day. I'm not trying to sound so patriotic and drama here but I really really love Singapore. Singapore is my home, where I belong, where I keep my heart and soul and where dreams come true for me.

Let's reach out for the skies
With wings we soar up high
Our dreams we'll all achieve
We'll make our destiny
(I really really love this song by Taufik Batisah. He's my idol)

So I woke up this morning and I was feeling a little unwell and feverish. So I dragged my feet down to the nearest clinic. The doctor took my temperature and he smiled at me and said,
"YOU'VE GOT THE NATIONAL DAY FEVER!"
I cannot be more ecstatic. Oh boy am I unwell. So the doctor gave me tickets to the NDP. My Super girlfriend got jealous and possessive so she took the tickets and tore it into pieces. I was devastated that I ignored her for 1 minute.

I went over to her place wearing my red and white Tshirt with 5 stars arising from the bottom. There wasn't a moon on it because I realised that there will definitely be a moon up in the sky tonight. Su is so smart right. Then we watched My Super Ex girlfriend until she threw a shark at me because my thoughts are still on the National Day Fever. I fell asleep after that and she went to the kitchen to make shark fin soup for me. But when I woke up, I realised that it was already 5 Pm and I need to rush home to watch the Parade on Tv with my family. So I shuffled away leaving the shark fin soup on the table.

The NDP this year is so good. Best I've ever watched. I think the Combined School Choir is what holds the parade together. I love the Choir so much, they sing beautifully with pride and glory and they look so cute in their uniform. My biggest fantasy is to perform in the Choir one day, but I was in despair when I found out this year is actually the last parade. =(

That's all for National Day, I think I've entirely expressed my love for Singapura.

On a relatively random note. I think blog entries should have pictures in them, be it one or ten. I supposed pictures make the entire post highly interesting.

Okay these are overdued pictures.the end.

love, THE BOMB.

2006-08-09T01:37:00.000+08:00

Unclip those wings and fly freely.

You got lost, For a while.
You've been trying to find a smile.
You got stood up, then you fell down
And when you needed , there was no one around.
You loved the previews and hate the movie.
You scream at the screen, "Something move me!"
Before you start to fade away.

Give me all your fear
Throw it all away.
And think about the good things, no matter what they say
We'll take tomorrow baby, one day at a time.

2006-08-07T11:02:00.000+08:00

-Ihaveahotass invades-

I know you'll be upset if you see me invading your precious blog,
but you don't have a choice alright.
oh well here goes. It's like a korean drama with me drama mama in it. (Sang doo, let's go to school)

2006-08-06T05:19:00.000+08:00

Ang Val Su Skipping Class

2006-08-06T05:00:00.000+08:00

The song of a little bird.

At such an unearthly hour, I woke up to a sharp chest pain and a numb elbow.

It hurts like a bitch.
My leg has yet to heal too.

Looking at the state my blog is it, I know Im not interested to blog anymore.
So lets just give it a simple update other than having random pictures with little words.

This week went well.
I skipped school and headed over to Ws place at 9 am in the morning and she still expected me to be there at 7 am sharp.
Hah, I came accordingly to the time I said I would and that girl refused to bathe till I had to talk her into it.
It felt like a movie, having to sneak quietly into her house, and not being able to breathe a single word.

So, instead of sleeping, we caught "The Nun" and oh I cant remember what other show.
And she was being as asshole, blowing at me and just pissing the hell out of me.
Haha, but it was alright.
Funny, now look at my neck.

Her dad sent me home and I had to pretend I had a neck ache at home.

"Miss Nice Lips"
Haha, picture hearing it from your girlfriend's father.
Weird and kinda scary.
I suppose it runs in the family.
W is the weirdest girl Ive ever met, she says the most ridiculous things.
Dont hit me.

The next day, I went up to my mum and started my day with my usual complains
"Mum....."
Till she cut me off and went "WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR NECK? IS IT A LOVE BITE?!"
I went "Fuck, How how how?!" in my mind.
I did a little convinving that S and W were hitting and pinching me the night before.
Hah, which mother in the world would buy that.

Then at breakfast, again She went "Dad, see your little girl has a love bite"
More convincing till my mum casually asked
"Are you lesbian?"
Only then was I taken aback.
.
.
.
.
.
I realised that I needed to change before I disappoint my parents.
Be that girl they wish I was, drowing myself in books
And looking for the perfect boy.
I need to change.
.
.
.
.
Hah, that is definitely light years away.
Who am I kidding?

W came over and we left for Turf City.
Fancy leaving her phone on my bed.
Anyway, we lost the match against the best team in the division.
It was more or less a whole bag of selfdisappointment.
But Im learning.

Off we were, I went to C's place and W came on his bike to pick me up.
Oh how I love bikes.
A pity I cant get one on my own.
S's place, we were supposed to stay and drink with them but W and I left.
I told my dad I'd be home to see him.

Endless train rides with a beautiful girl

2006-08-02T15:20:00.000+08:00

This time Im calling for a sign

If i were burning would you stop to put me out
Because this fire deep burns to the ground

2006-07-31T15:43:00.000+08:00

Too much to let go.

It was a trip to the beach, I promised, Her day would be booked by Me.
Sure, it was fulfilled.
The smile that ran across Her face, my oh my, Ive never seen it before.

So, we tried to delay meeting W and I had to come up with so many excuses.
I should have just bought 4D that day.
I was on a lucky streak, extra scoops of ice cream and candle and the bike rental.

Cycled for about 2 hours till we landed our butts at the rocks.

Before that, little Jy, she ran her bike into mine.
We flew off, what a sight.
It took a while for me to realise I was in pain and when I did, I started laughing all the way.
Note, laughing in pain like an asshole.
Haha, I fell on the grass, lying down and started whining.
I have a really slow reaction time, mind you.

Then, Jy, how nice of her, she left the bike, laughing at one side, not parking the bike properly.
Sure, lady luck was on my side, the bike fell and landed straight on my leg.
I started squirming in pain, till W came and started saying how good a rider she was.
Thanks, like it helped.

We had about 10 minutes to kill before we were late in returning the bikes.
I wanted to rip my thighs off.
It hurt like a bitch and W was so far behind, struggling to keep up.

The journey home was pretty quick.
With mats making noise at the back.

Seaside busrides night walks.

12am!

It was a cactus with a candle for a cake.
Happy birthday.

So tell me where did I go wrong before you
Before you came along
Well, it seems like I was lost
You showed me how to do things right
Now I'm so glad that now you're mine

Cause how you leaned on me and how you'd sing to me, that's what you mean to me, and it's perfectly you
You point
And Laugh
And I turn

2006-07-28T15:12:00.000+08:00

Stashed photos of yesterdays.

I come to realise how much I miss being in the walls of PL.
Particularly because of the people in it, and a handful of teachers.
Bestie and I were talking the other night, what really made out level close was the years we've spent being in the same school, each of us with circulating classes.

Poly life sure can be fun, but most of the time I find myself stoning and wondering what in the world Im doing here.
I lack the feel of closeness and the "family" that I went through in school, back then.
Here, I still feel foreign, sure give it time still.

-
Su: Pao! Play ball, lets skip English and play for about 2 hours.
Pao: Ok! Get green tea first.
Su: No, Apple Tea!
Pao: Green tea!

-
Mun: Partner, yesterday A and I did .... we had sex...
Su: Yah maybe that is why Your face is white, too much semen in You.
Both: HAHAHAHA

-
Su: Butthead!
Nic: Butthead!

-
Su: Bestie, do you see Her? Omg, I still cant believe I like her, So pretty!
Lizard: Yes yes, I see her, did you see Her too?
Su: Yes! Over there!
Both: Look at them, sooooo WOW.

-
Su: Come lets play ball.
Others: No no you guys are so good!
Lizard and Su: Noooo Look at us, so small, we form ONE only! (*sniggers)
Others: Then the other?
Su: Who? Vivien?
Lizard: Oh she is NOTHING. So, lets play!

And we won each basketball game.
Short conversations lay burried in my waking conscience.
I miss them.
I miss PL.
Then, I'll find every reason to go to school and wouldnt miss it for the world, Now, Im finding ever reason to leave.
I felt alive then, not now.
I'd give anything to go through a month in PL again, studying, wearing the uniform, breaking the rules, teasing people, being at ease with familiar faces, not giving a shit about being late for lessons, playing basketball, oogling over eyecandies, hiding from teachers, playing and teasing teachers, going though the Abuse Su Day everyday, talking to Mun and listening to her gossip about girls she hates and annoying me with her and A's "sexual acts" until I played along, whining with Vivien and watching her diss and point out the girls that irritate her(especially her juniors), and her repeatedly telling me the girls I like are bitches and shits , pasting tape with Nic (I'm with Stupid), skipping class and singing with Lizard.

Everything.

Mun Vivien Nic

Anything to have a month in school again.

2006-07-28T14:09:00.000+08:00

1000 Times A Day.

Another mundane week passes, with the me completing lessons and waste my life away in RP.
Training was cancelled yesterday and we sorta had a team meeting.

Let's recall the scene
N fell off the chair and S and I were already laughing uncontrollably.
Next I knew it, S went "Come Su, come!" tugging at me.
KABOOM, Her face slams against the wall just as she turned.
I was laughing so hard that I almost gave myself a pee.

Lust or Love?

I had an exflame ask me yesterday.
Mind you, it wasnt a trick question at all but I found myself taking about 30 mins before I actually gave her a reply as she went on recollecting all those faint memories she had.
(My opinion on her giving a shot with me then. Strangely and surprisingly, She said that She had wanted something beautiful from it. Wow, what a shocker. Remember LL?)

Personally, I'll admit that Lust overwhelms Love.
Its the desire of something so wonderful and beautiful that makes You want them in the first place, You wouldnt notice it if not for the first impression.
However, after time, I thought again, unglam moments are the best polaroid images anyone can remember.
Its how One can make you feel at ease and a child again, where you have nothing to hide.

Over time, it brings me down to two roads.
Like or Just a Fling.
I know for a fact that Ive gone down the path where everything turns out to flings.

It could be that I am afraid of loving someone since the only person I ever really loved, left.
Previous girlfriends were a mere "almost" to the idea of really loving.
I'm just being frank, so if either were to read this, yes, it was almost real love.

At the end, I know, I stray real bad then because I found no reason to remain.
This is why, to most, I kept emphasizing that "I need a reason to stay"
Still, evidently, I lack any, and when I do, I leave.

I leave before anything else blooms and things get out of hand.
This is it about me, I run.
Love running away from making a commitment and from getting tangled up in anything that would leave the other party more shattered.

I know, now, Ive every reason to stay.

Alright Bye.

I'm already there, take a look around.

I know the story's old; it's been told a million times before
But to tell it feels so good
It reminds me that not all I do is right

God only knows what I would say to you.
You'd hear just some scattered parts of words I'd mumble to you
Of words I'd mumble to you.
I thought that at first it would be good for me.

This is the closest I have come to giving it all away
To giving it all away for someone else.

What was I to say I'm already all alone, and there's nothing here except a hole in the wall.
What was I to do and how should I know, I was never good when times are changing.

It's time that I go; I can sleep on the road, it wont be soft but it will be on my own.
I'm sure that last time I couldn't have been wrong, besides I’m not good with saying sorry.

If I had the chance, I'd make my life right

2006-07-27T22:18:00.000+08:00

Ihaveahotass invades.

meet me by the water tonight.

2006-07-27T00:51:00.000+08:00

The way that it was and could have been surrounds Me.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To Hell with my pride let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on.

2006-07-26T22:54:00.000+08:00

Perfection will not come.

See the below picture, well, Val Ang and I were having a shared conversation.And we decided to have our very own tale.
The tale of the The Bean, The Sun and The Black Flower.
Go figure.

My ass hurts bad, and Im having this on off foul mood thing going on.
Thanks Vickoo.
Even if your one message about the flower just lead to a whole bag of Brown's nonsense.

"hilwah:
i'm proud of you today"

And to think I made Her mad for leaving my group just like that for a self break.
Haha, She's even said I had my notebook to take down notes which was pretty impressive.
Go Baltito.

Fuck this post is really random.
I'm an empty shell now.

Bye.

2006-07-25T09:42:00.000+08:00

Sing without a reason to ever fall in love

"There's been a few things Ive been meaning to let go of tonight"

Consider this song a testiment.

"To every broken heart in here
Love was once a part, but now it's disappeared
She told me that it's all a part of the choices that She's making
Even when you think you're right
You have to give to take"

-

"She strode off to the station, having to wonder if the other would keep to her promise. Bearing a heavy heart, and a bruised conscience that nothing would go back to what it was, she took a quick glance at the fast moving crowd. Miraculously, a familiar face beamed amongst the rest. She was there, for the first time, keeping to her promise never to let Her wait, ever. She was alive, and in still in love after the painful years of waiting."

"Taking steps back through the words I should've said to You
They all got lost You went away
Well I feel sick and You just don't care anymore anymore
Hours to be with You minutes of Me in You
And I can't feel this happening
So tie my hands back
And make me feel you coming down coming down.

It's hard to wave goodbye from aeroplanes
When I just don't think that you can see
I taper off
And say its never worth the pain
But sometimes it is"

2006-07-22T23:24:00.000+08:00

I began to wonder why I came.

"Can You forgive me? In a world that I seldom understand, there are minds if destiny that blow when we least expect them. Sometimes, they gust with the fury of a hurricane, sometimes they barely fan of one's cheek. But the winds cannot be denied, bringing as they often do, a future that is impossible to ignore. You, my darling, are the wind that I did not anticipare, the wind that has gusted more strongly than I ever imagined possible. You are my destiny."

Familiarity comes with a price.
Revoking and nonexistance leads to filling an empty seat.

"She rummaged through Her box of letters, fingers brushing against letters containing, concealing, the love She once experienced. Only to find out, She has been dead for years. As her eyes met each word ever written, She bravely recalled the times when She was alive. Nickname calling, fantasy dreaming, running amuck corridors with notes and letters in grasp, routined exchange of candies and stocking in marts. Recollecting mobile conversations that held a greater meaning than anything She ever believed in. Citing, as She entrusted Her heart over for good. In the absence of the thrill and affection She once felt, a tear dampens Her cheek. Had She been dead all these while? She questions her sanity, she finds no reply."

I can't put this into words through voice or hand
Your love was the best thing that I'll never have
The time and pain put in this with not be in vain

I'll leave final words and pray better days
My voice a vague memory washed away by tears
It's hard to contemplate the obvious
But you're strong enough to make it through

Should I make the same mistakes and teach myself a lesson?
But greed has begot past regrets of what I had and what I lost then
You're giving me a splitting headache
So watch me leave alone

Goodbyes are inevitable but will I see you again
And never forget the simple fact that I've loved you
Did I do you proud?

Am I afraid of being happy?
Am I afraid of being scared?

Could you take back first lasting impressions?

2006-07-21T22:38:00.000+08:00

My favourite accident.

The long awaited weekend is here after much anticipation.
This week has indeed been such a drag that I find myself reluctant to even push myself off the comforts of my pillow and releasing my grasp of my Eeyore.
Prying my eyes open too which just remains a third open till I fully realise I'm in school.
Not that it would make a difference, I find myself nodding sleepishly and uttering blabbers that makes no sense in reply to questions.
Still, that's me for you, a lazy bum ass.

Facilitators have had their chance of projecting how bitchy and how lenient they can be.
Erkan is in the lead of being my favourite faci, maybe because He is my mentor and my basic Science teacher.
Still, he is always equipped with his lame jokes at hand apart from his interesting accent.

It makes two.
In a span of five days, two uncalled for apologies came forth.
Surprising yet tranquilizing after a long time.

I'm expanding, becoming a fat balloon.
Please put duct tape on my face, refrain me from having an increased consumption on food.
Its unhealthy, I'd rather smoke then eat!
Tape me and bring me to my senses. I
need to shed off my tyres and lose about 10kg.
Till then, I'm not satisfied having to support the excess on my arms and legs.
Its remarkable to have a school that is always open to public.

-

Its how I occasionally feel suffocated,
Held at a bottleneck by the intensity of the string of situations around Me.
I do need my space at times.

Its irrelevant, so I dont mention.

I forgot, "Give without expecting any in return"

Happy Racial Harmony all.

2006-07-19T00:10:00.000+08:00

Between the lines of fear and blame

And you begin to wonder why you came.

Because

Ive met You by the water.
And Ive reached out and yanked You out of the cold clamy room You once seeked refuge in. Time and space hasnt been on my side, as a companion
But its since ceased to exist, expanding and manisfesting the joy I get, seeing You.

I walk over to where you are
Eye to eye we need no words at all

2006-07-18T23:46:00.000+08:00

Beneath the crystal stars.

My retardedly adorable girl.

Worlds collide as heaven pulls us through
The secret of the world is written in the stars
I'm carrying your heart in mine

2006-07-16T23:12:00.000+08:00

You're so beautiful, I guess this is what I get.

We trust and believe so easily..
Tell me it didnt mean anything.

Conveniently, tonight, You threw yourself into my path again, like You always had.
The final chunks of thoughts, sucked out of Your head as You said all those words, and implant them into that void that You left, again.
Again.

Pause it at our favorite parts.
We'll skip the goodbyes.

Oh wait, in Your mind, there werent any favourite parts.

So, You feel better now that You've said what had to be said.
And I feel a whole lot worse, having to come in terms with myself all over again.
I had convinced myself, that its all done.
But now, You've unearthed fragments of the artefacts that Ive since burried.

"Not to rake up any emotions"
Miss, every text, every word You've ever said, cauterizes more than You can ever imagine.
I'm undoubtly appreciative that You miraculously gave it a thought.
But its been two years.

Yes, its been two years, and at times, I find myself replaying the almost made movie we had in my head.
You were my best.
It could have been but it didnt.
I should have done, but I didnt..
We woulda.. but we wouldnt.

I watched myself, turn my back away first, shunning away the very truth, not knowing that it would last me a lifetime to get over.
Still, pretending I was brave, I paced across, distancing myself.
And the miles just widened till I met no end.

"I'd love to look back and laugh at my insanity. But all that's left to do would be, fighting the numbness that always engulf my thoughts everytime I think of Her."

The words scribbled at every wall, hoping You'd see as you strode pass, I was waiting.
But I'm not anymore.
Ive done my fair share of waiting, anticipating, loving and missing You.

And it all voiced down to it being ''wrong''
Screw the thought, Ive heard too much that would last me a lifetime.
It was wrong from the very begining You uttered and said these things.
"Everytime you grabbed my hand, I'd wish You'd never let go"
"I miss you, you speak to my friends and not to me"
Yet, You found yourself questioned, at the eleventh hour.

I'm sorry if I did leave first, trust me, I've thought about it ever since.
Its all in the our history book now.

Tell me it didnt mean anything.

We laughed about the times
We laughed so hard until we fell asleep that evening
And then I watched you there alone, wishing I could speed your breathing.
And all the wind blows through the trees.
I swear they're angels talking back to me.
And I screamed please don't leave me here tonight.
I needed you then, I needed you in my life.
But you're gone and you're never coming back again.

This is the very reason, why, Im afraid of loving.
The thought, leaving at the eleventh hour is never reassuring.
It gripps me with fear and plants seeds of insecurities that pushes the thought of wanting to commit at the earliest stages.
Ive since not been able to be as open, as willing, as compramising as I was then.

I'd rather leave first when my conscience signals me to, before, I hurt others or vice versa.

That phase, has scarred me ruthlessly.
Im healing, no doubt, slowly.

Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.
And realize how many times I've tried, but that's wishful thinking.
All I want is an apology for what you did and how you treated me.
Get me far away, or at least as far as this car will take me.

Where did our story end, where did it start?

2006-07-16T21:50:00.000+08:00

Through the window.

I suppose you can all it monday blues.
Im getting tempremental and easily annoyed at minute things.
Lately, its been occouring far more compared to before.

Anyway, the tan line I have is really hedious.
The SHINE tournament that Rp took part in went well.
We beat every school [NYP, SAJC, TJC, SP] in the pool and I did manage to score two tries.
It was supposed to be a total of three.
But silly me, once again, I placed the ball at the 5m mark.
This isnt the first time.
What a waste.

We lost to TP in the end.
And mind you, Ive not defended that much since, since forever.
But yes, it was just a 1-0 defeat.
And besides, we were a new team, getting used to each other for the first time, playing on such a competitive level.

Strong me, I broke an umbrella.

So today, another bit of me is gone.
But like what I wrote in the card to my aunt and uncle, "Distance does not make a difference" before signing off "Your three kids", Im taking into account what I penned down on the card.
The distance sure can envelop how we feel and think, but ultimately, we'd still love them.

"Give me a reason to stay"
Ive said this to an ex, and she shot back at me saying "Why should I?"
I began to rule of the reasons for her remark, and I concluded, its true, why should one give the other a reason to stay when the answer is vividly apparent infront of them.
You love them, You like them.. either one way or another, the reply is just blinking in front of you, but still, they are blinded by by their own edging question and insecurities.
We cant blame them for sure, although, maybe its a fault on their part for not being able to be oh-so-convincing to prove that you do like/love them, still, you tend to think too much.
Straying into the streets of your own doubt that you might not feel so much for them, or they would not feel much for you.

That remark, "give me a reason.." or "show me a reason.."
It siginifies your possible insignifcance on that personal level.
You exhibit a fondness for the person and yet, you're faced with such a statement that leaves you speechless and staggered where you stand.

You crack your head, deperately searching for a more convicing retort.
"What do I say to prove that what I feel is real?"
"How am I supposed to give a reason when, its their decision to stay or not, when I can only do so much?"

You think, only to find echoes of the same questions ringing in your head..

I hope to lose myself for good
I hope to find it in the end not in me ... me
In You

As for now, I'm gonna hear the saddest songs.

2006-07-14T22:58:00.000+08:00

The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Alright, its just visuals today.

Meet Owen, My Manny.
See how big he is beside me.

W, W, S

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need you
This is the way that I'm

Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in.

Happy unrealistic First.

2006-07-13T23:35:00.000+08:00

Consent to treatment.

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question.

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come.

Six feet from the edge.

2006-07-13T10:40:00.000+08:00

Good things wont last forever.

In comparison to Secondary school, Ive never been this strong, personally.
Frankly speaking, Ive not crumbled in front of my peers in school other than this one time when a previous relationship ended.
Everything there was to show, I take refuge within the walls of my own voice.
Other than pouring out to S every morning as we slowly pace ourselves to school, I let the frustration and agony exit itself.
Sure, it accumulates but I wont utter a single word till I really see a need to and most of the time, there isnt a need to pour out to people.
It isnt that I find it a burden or not cause I wouldnt care if it is, I'd just let it all out.

What wrong is done if I just continue with the masquerade?

We shelter ourselves from the things we view as a threat.
Sidewalks lend their ears as I stride across home everyday.

Just this week itself, Ive been thrown at a whole bag of paper, simply with the word "adapt" written on it.
Sure, its lame to feel upset when your neighbour moves.
But hey, its a totally different story if you spent ten years of your life with them.
Having treasure hunts to get birthday presents.
Night soccer and catching at the void decks.
Getting caught by the police together.
Cycling aimlessly to no where.
Have places to play at where its just You and Them, calling it your own.
Festival celebrations would be a bore without them.
Going on a burning rampage with them every year, taking papers and just lighting up the playground.
Stay overs, coming home to a locked house and yet know that there is somewhere you can still slump your butt at.

See, my neighbours, they were almost family.
Seperated by the corridoor and the shoe rags and plants.
And now, its all gone, I come home everyday this whole week, to an empty space beside the lift where it was once occupied with bicycles and plants, self made shelves.
Everything, replaced with the emptiness filling its place.

People make rash decisions for a short termed bag of happiness and elation.
I think to myself every waking minute if that is the road Im driving on.
With arrows pointing downroad, Im obliged to further proceed.

Ive had someone tell me once before''Sometimes, you think that You need Her when You actually dont''

I cant reply to that.
Because I dont know how.

I ripped this off a personal blog.

"She was what made me smile.
She was what made my heart beat both fast and slow at the same time.
But now, As much as I want to fill up the heart that she once inhabited.
I cant open up to anyone the way I did to Her.
Its as though She was the fundamentals of my Heart.
And those that comes and goes in my personal life would just make do over the base of my heart.

The ground opens and burries them when Ive no interest anymore or vice versa.
There can be no permanant individual who could make me feel the way I felt for Her, just yet.
I'd love to look back and laugh at my insanity
But all that's left to do would be, fighting the numbness that always engulf my thoughts everytime I think of Her.
Am I over Her?"

An unquestionable narration.

Im standing on the edge of my fears

2006-07-12T22:47:00.000+08:00

Sincerely Yours

10:00 I was gonna write a letter but at 1:00 is when I opened up my eyes. 3:00 turned into 5:00. I watched the day pass me by. 6:00 I was changing through the channels. And at 8:00 the stationary called my name. 9:00 the time I stopped impossible that day I didn't speak. Dear loving friend I meant to write shoudl've but the time just wasn't right. Some things I'd rather leave unsaid and I'm sorry that I did.

So here's a letter that I never sent with all the words I never said. I never wanted you to leave but you left said I never wanna hold you back but I wanted to hold you back.

Sincerely yours.

Happy Birthday Sophil.

2006-07-10T23:28:00.000+08:00

Black Truth.

This fate has dealt Me nothing but broken glass.
A single note that always rings off key.
Just like the lines used in an overplayed tragedy
This time I've gone to far.

A majestic sunset lays in wait for that beautiful day.
That was never meant to be.

Like a play with no words.
I'm my Shakespeare of reality and fantasy, yet, once again, I find myself,
Squeezed dry of ideas, of words.
I used to be able to say "No more than a line in my book"

Lines passages quotes.
Soliloquy puns.
Has since ceased to exist.

This time, all I have is an old notebook where a prominent heading once took place, strongly.
Boldly it was constantly acknowledged.

I'll complete my passage with this, a bittersweet hope.
"So tell me am I on the right end"

"She was the poet while the other the muse
But she had a pen that she knew how to use
With a touch of redemption, a hint of elation
A recipe for disaster.

Nightmares of a future so absurd
This fantasy of events could never occur.
Such vivid imagery has me
Blurring all kinds of lines
Between here and reality."

A beginning, a content, and a finale is all I long to pen.
To orchestrate the curtain fall.

Act my soap opera and it'd be the best anyone's viewed.
My comedy My love My tragedy My end.

Tonight I want to cry